Anxiety

I am anxious a lot. And lately, I keep having a memory in my mind of being called into the kitchen by my parents to listen to an argument they were having. I remember being proud that they had asked, but I took the request seriously and listened. As I listened I realized that they were saying the exact same thing, they were in total agreement ( I was in my twenties) but were using different words, different associations to make their points. So, I sad to them that they were saying the same thing. They just went on, and I sat there watching them throw words at one another, being lost in throwing words at one another, oblivious to what was being said, as though they wanted word choice agreement instead of principle agreement.
I think this memory comes up because it reflects how useless existing as emotion really is, how blinding emotion really is, how blinding ego is.
This I relate to my own anxiousness. What is this?, what is this going to do? this being of anxiousness.
But this anxiousness reveals my own fears to me. What am I anxious about?
Honestly, though I am probably anxious about things, I think much of my anxiousness is simply a habitual state for me. I think this is perhaps why my family is one of those that tend to be verbally volatile; we are incessantly anxious.

For example;
I drive in my car and find my self picking at my fingernails.
I talk on the phone and find my self wanting to pace the floor as I talk.
In conversations I find my breathing becomes labored and uneven.
I am quickly impatient.

Anxiety is worry about the future, worry about how others perceive oneself, worry about being “right”, worry about being “wrong” as in making a mistake, worry about being accepted, worried about outcome.

All things of the mind. As in the argument where the same thing is being stated, simply approached from different angles, nothing is resolved. There is no resolution, there is no clarity. One is merely “strung out in energy”.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become anxious, to be so anxious I am not even aware of what I am anxious about.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self be anxious about the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become anxious in response to thoughts of worry about the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow my self to debate possibilities about the future in a search for resolution, where no resolution is possible, only the continued flipping through the same thoughts in search of answers to scenarios that are not present in the moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pick at my fingernails while driving the car.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to lose my attention and focus as breath while driving my car.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self not even be aware of my self to the extent that I don’t realize how anxious I am until I have become anxiousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stop life in being anxiousness
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that being anxious is normal
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so used to being anxious that I believe I need this to get things done.
I forgive myself for not realizing immediately when I become anxious and stop and breathe.

The moment I realize am anxious I STOP
I am not anxiousness
I am here as breath
I am not the movement as anxiousness as a response in worry and fear
I am life
I realize that movement as anxiousness as no resolution
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be anxious while talking on the phone
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to anxious while shopping in a supermarket
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to anxious about my children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to anxious about my dog getting out on the street
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be anxious about remembering someone’s name
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be anxious about driving in the snow- I had a head on collision in a snow storm.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be anxious about my electric bill
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be anxious about my taxes
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not stop and realize and forgive the fears inherent in being anxious in every moment.

I am here
I stop
I forgive fear and worry before I become anxious.
I am life, I respect, and exist as, life, here, in this I forgive worry and fear as anxiousness to stop emotion and ego and remain in breath as my self as all as one as equal.

Advertisements

About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s