Today, I woke up with doubt overwhelming me. The source a constant stream of thought about where I am going with things presently in my life. As I practiced an old piece I have performed before, I noticed some thoughts about one of my co-performers coming up, that I had during the last performance which is the last time I played this specific piece. During the performance I noticed that my partner was “hiding” with his sound, he would remain “behind” my sound -so to speak – because, as he says, he hates to perform. I remember being aggravated because I needed the harmonics of his part to balance my intonation. Even the breadthe of a note being vibrated can be influenced by the acoustics of the room, and the projection of the sound in the ability of the musician and the resonance of the instrument. Remembering this moment, I am once again irritated. I have tried to speak of this, and even asked the other performers if they noticed this as well and they agreed, to this player. His answer is long winded and ends with a definition of himself as a performer who changes things and plays what he feels. In other words we get no where. But I have to let what I have said to him go, because I notice that the next time we play he does try to become what was talked about.
Today, while playing this piece the memory of what I felt during the performance returned. So, this is how things stay with me. Whatever I thought remains until I let it go. All this feeling of doubt and worry I have around me today is probably also caused by this whole process of college admission for my younger son, who is also on a roller coaster of uncertainty about his future ( another issue ) and is stalling in school choice, and thereby stalling in getting applications done. So, balancing this all out, where I forgive creeping doubts and worry and judgement, all based on fears of the future will stop this encroaching energy.
I talked with my fellow musician today, and listened to him complain about another player, a player that I want to keep. When suddenly, words of support just came out of me, I spoke them as they came. No thought about them before hand. The “sound ” of speaking is different when done this way. So “clear”.
While this happened, my listener became silent, said I should write down what I had said, ( he later went back into his usual – I have heard so many times, and no longer react, just wonder how to respond to the obvious litany that is ingrained ) I stopped and thought, wow, here is all the doubt, here is the voice of words so often repeated as though I am listening to the same recording, and here is looking at this other musician in a directing as seeing nothing but a way towards expansion. As though the words I spoke about this person were absolute direction as what would expand him.
All thoughts are “locked” into non movement, in that they never give an answer, or clearly show expansion – so to speak. Even in trying to explain this, here, I have become locked into this as a thought. In this moment I can’t see beyond this, it has become a stagnant thing, a companion. And knowing me I will probably ponder it for too fucking long. ( it is that Sagitarius/philosopher ascendent persona ) Do I have some programmed drive for wisdom????? Where I pet my wonderful companions of thought?
I read a novel once called ” The Clever Man”, the author had said that the name of the book came from an old English tradition, where each town or hamlet usually had an elderly figure of wisdom. When it was a man they were called the clever man, and when it was a woman they were called the wise woman. How curious that such a thing as this should “stay” with me, something, as words, I retained. The words we retain, tell us exactly who we are. On many fronts the things that Desteni says, in the very detail given, we all know if we simply stop and look.
The word “look” looks like two eyes framed by walls. I am here “looking” framed by walls of belief, walls that are energetically constructed, bubble walls. We are trapped by non-movement, which is non awareness.
I still get tense and nervous writing these posts, and am embarrassed by my own litany.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be overcome with doubt.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stagnate within a thought of worry about my direction and a feeling of doubt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to doubt the movement of my self into the future as spending time playing the violin.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have a memory of irritation and a belief that I must project strongly as I play to allow a fearful musician to hide behind my sound.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react in irritation towards the action of another, and to feel that I must respond in support instead of being what it is that I perform.
I forgive mys elf for allowing and accepting my self to justify allowing a role in a belief that I must lead because this player knows the circuit and works at getting the playing venues, where I do not do this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to justify my present situation as all that there is, which in itself is a thought. I am here, this next performance is here. That is all.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to judge what is here instead of accepting what is here and directing my self as expansion within this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that perhaps playing the violin at this time has to stop and directing my self towards what is best for all with the present situation that is on Earth at this time is not as selfish.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that playing the violin can go hand in hand with other activities.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to doubt being able to do more than one thing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to judge and be frustrated by the stream of words another presents to me, to react in uncertainty because I feel that I don’t know where to begin or how to move “through” them
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to judge my own words, even though they repeat, when such repetition reveals my own thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting doubt to become so big it consumes me and shadows my self as awareness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be confused about energy and weight within, and about this “coolness” that is suddenly streaming around in me all the time and I am not sure what it is because I am soooooo much a mind. so much lost in my own reflections of fear as friction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that all that I am is thought.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to move like molasses within my mind as thought, that which appears to direct but does not.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to grow impatient when others speak be cause their words are like a barrage of things I feel I have to retain and respond to, when most of the time only one thing is being said.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel I am enslaved by social etiquette to patiently listen to the words of others and take what is spoken seriously, and that any non-acceptance means I am not a good person.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist in my mind and not as equality as awareness of what is best for all in every moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear speaking up as what comes up in the moment and instead looking “through” my mind for a “proper, accepted” response.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be the habit of looking through the mind for what is a “proper and accepted” response.
OK, that stopped the worry but another thing came up.
I looked at the ape picture on FB today, the one about having a response to the boobs of the animal. I did have a response to this. I saw the female in this image, the female as boobs and vagina, so openly displayed by this animal, the fecundity of the female figure, and I became fucking aroused and thought of my friend, and this has been with me today as well. Nasty, the way these things creep in.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to enjoy being a female, to enjoy the power this energy has to arouse and create the very act of intimacy with a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this desire to be this feminine energy because the sexual intimacy it creates, that is almost, as an idea/imagining more enticing than the thing itself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel aroused from an image by the symbol of a woman it represents.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to exist as a female, as an object of feminine temptation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to imagine my self with my friend, in imagining my self being the act of sexual expression as that of a submissive female, being something that is really never satisfied, only longing for more. UGH
I am here
I am a female
I am life
I am oneness in equality
I am sound
I believe in an equal money system to stop continued action of doubt and worry
I am breath
I stand as my self as what I have accepted and allowed and I move through this, in breath, as sound, as though all that is here is me, me being breath equal to all as one and I direct my self through all words that are here, through all thoughts that are here, through all desires that are here, I carry these things through breath.
I stand in this and include my self as fear and direct my self through this.