Breathing

My brother is here trying to figure out how to photograph my son’s work for college. I am here waiting to help set up the work. So I decided to sit and write what is on my mind at the moment.

Today, I experienced a lot of doubt about this process. Like a worm in the night it comes. What is interesting is that I received an e-mail from some guy yesterday warning me against Desteni. What hit me was that there was no longer any mention of the farm Bernard was attempting to purchase.

But I have also been tired the last two days, wanting to sleep, yawning, feeling lethargic. But i know I always go through this before tax preparation and anything to do with paper work, such as the present process of pulling together all the material and forms needed to send my son off to school. Also the paper work needed for the government for my other son, and the scholarship venues etc. etc. etc. The amount of paper work and forms is huge. And I always want to run away, am irritable and want to get it done asap. I tend to “pull my hair out” and organize the steps into a process and then suddenly sit and do it all in one session.

So, I think this fear of paper work has put me in a general state of lethargy. I can’t move and all that needs to be done stops everything else. Eventually, I will get this done because I am sick of thinking about it and want the space cleared so I can move on. So, I create this struggle that I end up walking through every year. ( But I mean can you imagine doing three tax forms????) see…. Thankful for Turbo tax, it does make it all easier.

I just watched to video of the cat, the 16 year old cat. The cat was breathing, and I found my self breathing with the cat. I was so thankful for this cat! This act took me out from this lethargy, and even now this coolness begins to move. But i have had a lot of this lately, and honestly I don’t know what it is but somehow it does feel good. And I keep feeling like I know this. I keep having this feeling like I know all of this, yet this feels like it is “ordained” somehow. I don’t even know if I should trust this!

After all this a memory came up. The summer before last -2009 -I was on a hammock on my porch swinging gently in the summer breeze, very relaxed, when I suddenly was aware of breathing, a very stable rhythmical breathing, a breathing that took everything in and let everything out. But it only existed when my eyes were shut. That was what was weird. I experimented and opened my eyes , it stopped. I stared and stopped the hammock. Nothing. I shut my eyes and kept the hammock completely still, and my body. The breathing was there. I did this so many times and each time the breathing returned, constant and very clear.

And now I keep having another memory of a dream. The dream I have talked about, the one where I am a factory worker, whose job is to regurgitate water endlessly. Even this feeling of regurgitation is coming up physically.

There is direct influence and indirect influence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel tired and lethargic because of paper work and the feeling that the needs of the systems via paper work enslave me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow paper work to slow me down.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to do what i do every year, stop and sleep and avoid paper work, agonize over paper work until I can’t stand the weight of it and move through it in one day very aggressively and with irritation should anyone even deign to talk to me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear paper work, to see paper work as a burden.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the paper work is not that hard because, if I have all the data in front of me I simply punch in the numbers and it is done.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stop all activity and become a tired, sleep wanting mess before I have to deal with paper work.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear having handed the necessary paper work for college admittance over to my son because now all I am doing is worrying if he has completed the form sending and grade sending.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to use this venue to vent instead of to forgive.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to doubt what I am doing because of some message sent by some guy that likes to hear himself talk, using big words and missing the point of equality, which is all that really matters here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to doubt what I am doing because I am not participating in an SRA course.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to doubt my capacity as life to find my way, because if I need someone to hold my hand than I am screwed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not remember that ultimately I find my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel guilty for not supporting the people that have ultimately helped me by their very presence on the internet, financially.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not remember that this message if the best solution I have found, and that this is really all there is to it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow this guilt stop my self direction
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not be ready to let go of caution because blind acceptance is what got us here in the first place.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want it to be easy, whereby I accept what is before me based on logic that appears consistent to me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear that perhaps I have misjudged and am more lost than I was before ( boy did that bring a huge stab of pain through my chest/torso ) I had that yesterday or the day before, within the same thought….
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I have made a mistake, that my friends and family are right about their beliefs and that I am really the spaced out dreamer/wisher.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear taking that step over the edge.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am unable to do this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am alone in all this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel like I am a hopeless case.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that should I even become my self, here, no one is going to notice anyway, or even see.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad that this is a possibility
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire recognition for the achievement of self, of oneness in equality as my self, as though this is going to suddenly change the whole world, which it is not.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I already know how to stand up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to suddenly have memories rise up of being knocked down, again and again and again.
But i am here
I am moving as standing up as self, and this I will continue until it is done, until I walk as life as all as one as equal

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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