Yesterday I did a vlog. I did one a while back and tried to post the video but couldn’t get the video to down load. This has happened before. Have tried to download performance videos of concerts and music recordings. Yesterday, the process worked, which I think it had done before, but the site onto which I was downloading responded with a message saying that the format of the video used was not accepted. I guess imovie is not compatible with FB or YouTube. But , I watched my own vlog a few times. And the process of doing the video where I stated that I was one vote for world equality and an Equal Money System forced me to, in the moment of making the video, to only want to speak that which was not of information in that I was repeating the words of Desteni, because this would not be what “moved” me really, not being the force that brought me here, even though I have come to agree with the need to take a step towards equality through using what is presently moving the world as a system being the interchange of money.
So, what moves me now, here, has moved me to this place? Well, in the video what came up is that the “state” of being that was my husband, that made no sense to me, that was a “blackness” of anger that ended in a hanging, that seeing of a person existing as something that made no sense, that was not really moving as life. That state was an unmoving thing, like when I go into a gallery and I can immediately see that the artist did all his work from photographs. Images done from a photograph do not move, they have an absence of movement that creates a “staid” state so obvious in the image.
Granted, seeing this is an issue with me. I have voiced my awareness of this to people viewing such images with me, and more often than not they do not see what I am talking about. Then I want them to see what I see, to see the non movement inherent in the reflected image of a photograph. How does one do this? I can even see this from a distance, as I walk into a gallery space.
But sometimes, when I hear a violin player perform a piece I can hear how they practiced the piece. It is like I can see the steps they took to learn the piece, how they broke it down and took it apart to then place it all back together and perform the whole. It got to the point where I could not listen to a musician perform if I could see this because all I could see was the process and not the actual thing being played. It is when the piece becomes the person that I can then become the music as well, and then it is a magnificent experience. And it is not being awe that the person performing has managed to do this, it is being so caught in the beingness of the sound, just a simple thing really.
Perhaps, there are artists that draw that can create an image that “moves” from a photographic image, but I have no experience of this.
I am relating this “state” of a thing “moving” to emotion. That which moves but does not move- so to speak. My husband was not moving, which I called a “color” at the time. I actually wrote in an e-mail to my mother that Matthew was only seeing “black”. He was not moving, not realizing the movement as possibility around him, he had stopped walking through/in/as life.
And I have been stuttering between movement with my son, reflected in the action of my back. One moment my back is clear and the next back to being a solid brick that throbs. I especially realized this yesterday. I had been sitting reading something and carefully stood up, and could not stand without stiffness. Then I went to another place and read and stood up in direction of the next thing I was going to do, as movement towards doing something. In the process of taking a direction into a task, and being well within that task I suddenly realized that there was no stiffness or awareness of my back. My back was “calm”. So, There it was, how curious! One moment physical problem and the next gone, nothing. I am in one moment “fixed”, “staid” and then in another moment not.
This is what emotions and ego are, they are a snapshot of non-movement, non direction, non being-ness, they are the being of something in absence of movement.
How painful it must have been for my husband in his “state” of non movement.
Like those children that , already in second grade cannot move, cannot sing, cannot read too well because they already are so in “fear” that they cannot move.
I realize that often I stop my self from facing things because I have become the non-movement that is fear. And I have enough experience to know that the only solution is to face what it is that I have stopped at that is before me, the thing becoming a thing “before” me because I have stopped and am looking at it as something separate.
This morning my son came and asked me if he could remain home and miss school today. He has done this too many times lately. So, I said no, and I was angry that he asked. He in return became angry with me. We both became anger and frustration, we stopped, we froze. We walked away from one another. I “stewed” in justification for a moment, justification and anger, and then stopped, had to bring my self back to stopping my self from remaining within this because I realize this is not the solution, this is a heavy state that is not going to take me forward. It is not working, I am only becoming heavier and heavier in feeling like my son is a burden in his present emotional state, and though he might be stuck in this, my seeing of this and combating this is not going to stop this stagnant image of non-movingness that is before me.
Anyway. I went to him and said that the moment we became emotional like we had we had to walk away from one another and get to a place where we could “move”.
( this just brought up a thought of my father and I- where we would get emotional with one another and part from one another, only later to come together, well he came to me, to offer sympathy and remorse -which I could not stand- and now I see that, though this was form of movement-so I could not really react- it was also moving into another emotion. It was a polarity.)
Come to think of it, my son and I have been repeating this same pattern!
Anyway, this taking of movement, this being as movement, as acceptance of what is here is life.
Even the systems of finance, take a resource and grasp at it, hold onto it in an energetic stance, movement of greed and desire, with imaginings of more “states” of energetic movement. Total association, from one platform to another. I suppose the platforms have to be removed, to force a falling into what lies between. And what lies between is movement, which appears as nothing. Can life only exist as movement? life is movement.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react in anger to my son because I do not want to have to explain to him, yet another time, that he needs to go to school.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as anger with my son because I am impatient that he has come to me with a question that I must say no to, and explain why I am saying no, to which he reacts in anger and frustration.
I cannot type the first “my self” correctly, have been doing this for some time!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel like I cannot move because I am here trying to get my son to move.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to view my son as though he is an image done from a photograph, something that is not moving, and in being this I am not moving, I am a not moving image.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize breath as movement in every moment I interact with my son.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to rush this forgiveness where I miss type the word my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stop within emotion and ego, where I have stopped breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize in every moment when i have stopped and am no longer movement as breath
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become emotion and ego out of the habit of stagnation that is what surrounds me in images and people, in non movement instead of being that which moves which is that which supports all the platforms of non-movement.
II forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become angry that My dog is barking incessantly at a school bus outside.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to remain in habit instead of becoming breath in every fucking moment, instead of stepping off the platform that is emotion and ego into breath, in the infinite, into life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that there is no other solution than breath in every fucking moment to the extent that through the shear will of realizing this I become breath in every moment.
I am not emotion
I am not ego
I am not fearful of stepping off a platform into the seeming abyss that is life that is breath, that is oneness in equality.
I do not need emotion
I do not need ego
I walk through ego and emotion
I breath as I walk through ego and emotion
I cannot avoid the platforms that are here that are me, so I walk through them in breath as life.