The words that have been repeated to me many times in response to words I have spoken as an expression in my capacity to convey oneness in equality to those in my environment are met with , “what you say is true but the presentation is not acceptable”, or if it is admitted that what I say is true that the application of oneness in equality is impossible because of human nature.
Also, I have been told that what I say does not make any sense: I have not included the abstractions, like faith, that are our companions in and as the mind. Companions that are coupled with feelings and emotions of hope and “goodness” in our ability to “hold onto” these companions of abstraction that stop any reality of what is actually here.
Not only have we been indoctrinated with such abstractions as “hope” and “faith” we have been imprinted with emotion of success in our very stance as being if we manage to retain the abstraction in our company as a constant, we have been taught that we are something in the being of this very substance that is really merely an abstraction of no proof, no actuality.
So, when speaking with a person about equality one faces these very companions, one is facing abstractions coupled with truths, with what is actually here as the physical and the difference is not realized. Herein ( here and in = life and abstraction ( belief, idea, opinion, thought, emotion, feeling) lies what one faces within self and within all that is self and life that is the people and all that surrounds us here.
In talking to people this approach keeps me calmer, because I realize that everything around me is me. I no longer am so reactive but i continue to contract and restrict my self when facing the “in” that is with the “here”, so to speak, in facing the beliefs that are the abstractions that are the company of the world I interact with as I doggedly search for self direction in and as oneness in equality that is effective, that is the word instead of the energy of anxiety and fear, insecurity and superiority.
To see the beliefs as me, those abstractions that are our companions that need not consume and limit and stagnate the movement of ourselves.
Last night at a gathering of people, that are me conversations came up about health, as usual because this is my age group. One can actually get people to agree to many aspects of viewing the physical body as being energy as a cause of dis-ease but indoctrinations are not easily relinquished. All participants in the conversation readily agreed that we create through allowance the stresses and constrictions and conflicts through belief that are dis-ease but immediately abdicate this moment of self creation into speaking of doctors that are incapable of solving our health issues, and in this wanting to search for another doctor. One man even went into a long conversation about how he questioned his doctor only to discover that his doctor did not know what was wrong. And his conversation stopped here, his point was that he was saying that he was clever and got his doctor to state that he did not know. This “revelation” by this man went no further, he did not take this and move with it towards realizing that his health was in his hands. Now he is working “with” the doctor, wanting the doctor to find the solution as though this man does not have the capacity to do this, or to realize that the doctor will pass him onto someone else when he grows impatient with this man and also fears repercussions for not “solving” the health issues ( which I have seen happen with my parents).
Here there was the ego in and as pride with this man wanting to prove his intelligence at being able to read the doctor reports and data, which is why he stopped at this point, I realized irritation at his pride and personality of wanting to appear as intelligent Me, I have done this very same thing. As this is me, because it is here, the only solution is to “walk through” it , to no longer accept being this because what is there/here is pride and truth, and it is this abstraction as belief as persona that is the companion of this man ( and of me) and this companion is not going to solve existence birthing itself as life in the physical. My own companions of irritation and disgust as I become the persona of wanting to defensively stop this man from placing himself in a spot light of superiority and compete for the “spotlight” in wanting to be “right” my self, which is all the energetic reactions that are the companions of indoctrination in and as belief of proving oneself equal to hierarchies of more than and less than to survive as important to validate one’s ability to “work” as a mind consciousness system.
There is the companion of the self in validating the self as a mind.
And there is the indoctrination of the collective that one can only be made whole and healthy via a medical practitioner.
This is not to say that a medical practitioner cannot improve one’s health. It is the companion as a belief that this is how health is achieved, that one’s self cannot move there unless one uses the system that exists here. Another relinquishment of self to a system. In the case of this man, the realization that the system does not know what is wrong, but that companion, that indoctrination, that abstraction stopping the movement through and to another possible course or insight in self discovery. In this case uncovering the self that is attached to the doctor as savior, where self cannot move unless the system is present.
Even here, anger at the system does nothing, this medical system, just as anger and irritation at the “pride in intelligence” moment does nothing. The “lostness” in the beliefs that are the systems that one confronts are blind to alternatives.
But it is this point where confrontation with these systems I am labeling as abstractions here that concerns me. These companions that are me, that are here. To breath and walk through these veils/walls/abstractions/energies and not reject or react or fear but simply realize that they are here, they are myself, they are my companions because they are around me. But they need not direct me.
At the moment I am a work in progress in remaining in breath, where my own companions surface and are me as I remain in breath, as well as the companions of those around me and the companions of the systems that are not of my control because they direct much of this physical world. Maintaining my own breath as stability in non acceptance, yet non reaction, yet acceptance in non competition. Will this become stable? Stable to the point where I can somehow manage to begin that step, that first step as this?
I did have small movements as irritation come up. And , though I did start to breath it was difficult, and by the end of the night my wonderful ( sarcasm) back was tensing up, probably because I was so busy trying to breath and realize the abstract companions that I suppressed my self. BUt I needed to stop and name my companions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have a reaction against the exhibition of pride.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become irritated with pride, an abstraction clouding movement as life, as solution.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be a reaction to a belief instead of remaining as in self expression.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel guilty for not speaking up and stopping pride.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am moving too slowly
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize in every moment the companion, in and as the mind consciousness system, that is pride, that is an energetic movement as pride, that limits self expression, that build a wall that blinds and retricts movement as life as what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to prove to my self that I am able to remain in breath instead of remaining in breath as my self, without reward, without desire for success.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be impatient with the limitations and suppressions caused by the energetic companions of belief, idea, opinion that develop persona and feeling and emotion and in so doing stop life and separate self expression as life as equality, where the choice is what is best for all, where reflections that blind and consume no longer constrict expression.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow the energetic movement of sadness to direct my self into thinking that this image I have constructed of what it means to remain in breath is a seeming impossibility.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to grow impatient with releasing this energy of despair and “it is too late”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that because I am continually combating/watching my mind, existing as my mind there is no hope to realize that I am capable of stopping the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that there is not time left in which to stop the mind that is me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to be perfect in existing as life, and in this not realize that there is no such thing as perfection.
I am here
I remain in breath
I am not fear of failure
I am not my mind
I am not the thoughts of the mind
I am not the companion that is the mind consciousness system
I am breath.
I am oneness in equality.