I just had a conversation about Desteni with my mother for the first time.
I did not get angry or reactive or sad.
To hit a wall that is the belief another person holds I simply stated why I believed in what Desteni was saying.
I said that while i was standing in front of a classroom of children and suddenly noticed this one boy, who I had always said could solve math problems without any lessons, who suddenly looked into space and stared as though there were something else there in front of him. Standing there in front of the room and noticing this I could see this ball like shape as an image above his head spinning around, changing direction in mid spin, as he ( and I ) watched and then suddenly return to his math problem and do the calculations and stop and ask “what is this” and believe it was some magical happening that showed his intelligence, but wonder why some children were “blank” and why some children were already so lost in fear they could not even sing in music class. Why?
Why did I see the future? Why?
I said to my mother that I had had experiences that I did not understand and that this group explained them better than anything I had found, that I was going to follow them until I felt something was not fitting correctly and that this had not happened yet.
My mother then stated her beliefs. THat she believed in heaven and GOD.
I almost did not say it, but I did. I said heaven no longer exists.
She was , naturally, astounded.
THe conversation then went onto “faith”. In that since nothing is known or proven in the present system of belief that is Christianity, one has faith in the better life coming. Of course, faith does not answer my own experiences, was not enough for me obviously because I kept asking and looking, driven by what I only label as a feeling that something does not fit, that something does not make sense, what sense needed to be made or answered was beyond me. I just kept moving with confusion and questions.
But now I am sad, and I will have to forgive this that I did not realize sooner, that I did not stop the mess in front of me, that all I had were pictures of what was coming and a belief that these pictures were showing me where to go.
But sometimes, I think these things, like the spinning ball above this boys head, were not special occurrences just for me, they were from the study of music, because no matter what I kept going, in some dogged fashion. I had decided that since someone could play the violin it existed, and in this anyone could do this, that it did not make any sense that I could not do it. Since it existed it could be done. period. Nothing was going to stop me. period.
But in playing the music, one has to sit in a group and realize every nuance, every sound, every subtlety and in this one starts to hear other things. So I am not special in any way, I simply developed some kind of “listening” and started picking up what was around me in random ways, perhaps when I was employing the kind of focus I had developed listening to a group of players.
My mother expressed her “sadness” that I did not believe in her God, and that she was sorry my husband had committed suicide. I have been waiting for this reply/response to what I am involved in. It is all going to be put down to the tragedy in my life. I am negated because of this. And I am too poor and too old to make a change according to Bernard’s latest post, all I have is my experiences to express here.
So, I guess I am screwed on both ends, insane and sad within my circle, and, which I understand, too poor on the other. Sounds like the story of my life. I am laughing and I probably should be crying……but I already did that. : )
Woe is me.
But remember, if it exists it is doable.
And I am breath.
My mother is me, in that she is the beliefs I hold, have held, know. Her words are what exists in this world. Her acceptance of them or rejection of them does not change anything because I am still here. I have not changed. It is merely a wall before me that brick by brick will fall because it is just that, a wall. Something constructed from what is actually here. And that is life.