My Son

When my first son was born I remember looking at him and having a thought that he was not going to live a long time, perhaps not past his 40th birthday. I looked at the thought, at the time and was, of course, saddened, but I wondered how I knew this, how I could think this, what was this, this feeling of “knowing” something that popped up every once and a while, yet was not always there? Sometimes I would react with no emotion to things because of this “knowing” and other times I was very emotional.
For instance, my mother and father were very worried that my brother would marry this girl, I simply looked at them and said that he was not going to marry her. Never deviated from this sense, never worried. Of course later I wondered why I thought this and attached a “reason” to it, if the “reason” was there I did not initially see it. He never married her and is now with a new girl.
There are a number of these kinds of things but this is not the point here.
Am I supposed to have these specific “knowings” or are they a leak in the memories of all the lives I have lived, in which I resonate? It probably does not matter, what matters is that I can use them to see the friction in which I am caught at the present moment.
I have a lot of friction with my younger son. And I think this has something to do with my back.
I am allowing him to be a source of friction, a source of frustration and worry and fear and anger and caring and disgust and mal-content.
Today, in the car, I remembered the birth of my younger son, and like the “thought” that came up with my older son there were “things” surrounding my younger son as he came into my life. Willy came into the world and picked his head up and looked around the room. Willy, who had been born through the body, so to speak. I did not push, my body did all of it. The nurses were yelling at me to stop pushing because the doctor had not arrived and I simply looked at them and laughed and said , “I am not pushing, it ( my body) is doing it all by itself” I could feel the muscles contracting and pushing as I lay there doing nothing. I had read that the body is capable of so much, and this showed me that indeed it was. women do not have to push, that is a lie. I had breathed, practiced breathing before the birth and this was the outcome. So, first, Willy was born by my body and not my mind doing the pushing.
But my thought with Willy was more a feeling, an ominous feeling. Willy never talked much, was a very very silent child with a calm demeanor that, in my interpretation, was like that of a very wise, silent, aware, thing. Then Willly started to wrap all the small objects he could find in the house, his toys, pencils, etc. with string, shoelaces, yarn. I would find “mummified” objects around the house, buried in his toys, behind the couch, in a nook. I finally mentioned this to a mid-wife and she said he had become “aware” in the womb and had played with his umbilical cord. Willy is also extremely haptic. When I taught him to play the violin the physical logistics were very easy for him, his coordination was great. He is and was a child that could never stop moving.
But this ominous feeling was always there, and I began to interpret this as myself not understanding Willy. I have said that I do not understand Willy, and I don’t. I still believe this.
Now, he is very good at coming to me and saying what I want to hear, and I feel that there is always an agenda. His justifications, presented to me through a logic he has developed, are constant. And he has learned to be relentless with this action. I sometimes give in because I want the reasoning to stop. I am tired of hearing his thought, when I believe he is not aware enough for what he proposes.
This whole situation around learning to drive is a classic scenario. Willy has failed the test twice now. Today, he went through red light during the test. I couldn’t believe this.
So, now I try to alleviate the consequences of this happening, so that he does not carry this as insecurity for the rest of his life. ( I know adults that are still embarrassed at the memory of having failed the driving test!!!). I also, try to find a way to direct him that does not cause a reaction from him of hate and disgust from his mother. After driving through the red light, Willy “rolled” through a stop sign. The test officer remarked on this as she told him he failed. I said to him as we drove home, that when she said he rolled through the stop sign, obviously in an attitude of things “no longer mattering” that this was the point. He had become emotional in the car and stopped being aware of his surroundings, which is an indication that he was not ready to have a driving license. No matter what, the awareness of what is on the road has to remain!
Extensive anger towards me, he did not want to hear this. And yet, he had not been aware of the red light, the red light I saw from the back of the car, the red light an indication that he was not aware of what was there.
How the fuck to I do this. How the fuck do I try to reach my son? I cannot figure this out. I just get resentment and anger. I am not telling him how to dress, I am not telling him what to do with his life ( at least I think I am not), I am trying to tell him that he has to be aware! I tell him that he has to be aware of his TIME, to realize that he can organize the work he has for school and the applications for schools in his near future. I have even spelled this out with suggestions. ( spend two hours on your work, the go and “play” with your friend for a couple of hours then return for another hour of work. Meaningless.
He knows how to focus. He knows how to work. Has had summer jobs and made some money. Knows how to walk through projects. Was given responsibility in drawing murals on huge walls in a neighboring town, where he had to go each week one summer and do continued work. His math scores are very high, which means he can follow a series of processes to complete a complex problem! And he made the honor roll this semester.
I don’t even want to suggest advice or criticism anymore because I actually feel that whatever I say ends up being what he comes to believe as what is real. Am I so much an influence that the real problem is that he is not thinking for himself? Is he afraid of the future and the world to the point where he is choosing not to face anything, is the pot smoking- which he is doing A LOT- just another escape? Is he fulfilling some “ominous feeling” I had at his birth?
I am trying to word things in such a way that the thing to look at is that of principle. Like the driving advice, the principle that he simply has to be aware of what is around the car at all times.
“ When driving a car one must be aware of EVERYTHING 360 degrees’ That is it. And I even say that he is this, that he has the ability to be aware. I don’t even want to yell at him, I don’t even want to be angry, all that matters at this point is that he understand that this is what is needed and that he can be this, because he IS THIS.
Now, I have this ominous feeling that I have completely failed. I can’t reach him, I can’t direct, I don’t want to direct. I am really tired of being the only fucking one to say anything. There is no one else. All the other people I know, or am dating, or whatever, do not have the time, the inclination, or the courage to look at a young person and tell then to stop smoking fucking pot. Also, most adults I know smoke pot. The whole fucking world smokes pot! Pot smoking is EVERYWHERE.
Maybe that is what everyone is doing, smoking pot so that they do not have to become AWARE.
My son, my prepossessing/tending-to-be-agreeable son is joining the club and SMOKING POT SO THAT HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE AWARE OF WHAT IS FUCKING AROUND HIM.
Willy sees taking the road test as a game, but this is probably one thing that is not a game. The road test is simply showing another person that you are aware…..of red lights and stop signs. The system may be stupid, but taking the road test is pretty simplistic.
What am I presenting to Willy that is causing, or aiding, or developing, or had developed all this. What is my presence in all this, what is the friction? To what does Willy react?
I modeled pushing through this summer. I practiced and performed. I soloed, I have been busy standing up my self. Did he see this as attention away from him?
I am too close to this, I can’t see. At least in writing this I am calmer.
Perhaps, it is simply this “vision” of doom and “gloom” that was the starting point all those years ago when Willy was born. One of those stupid, made no sense, “knowing” feelings that popped up out of nowhere that is the cause, the presence, the resonance that was there.
So.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe there is a ominous presence around Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thought that there is something I don’t understand about Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am causing more harm than good for Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that Willy is not going to learn to be self aware.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see only failure in Willy because he is smoking so much pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe there is something “dark” about Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that Willy is deceptive.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear that Willy is learning to manipulate rather that be himself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to , at times, believe that I hate Willy for doing something to me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I hate Willy for creating so many problems in my life, like taking my car out in a snow storm and ruining the gear shaft, so that now I have a 800$ car bill, when I need new tires.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be frustrated and angry that Willy, in a pot induced stupor tripped and broke yet another chair last week.
I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to feel like I want to through Willy out of the house because I can’t watch the pot smoking zombie any longer.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hate his friend who also smokes pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry that there is not one else to say to this young man that pot smoking is not going to be a thing of satisfaction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry that the world is a bunch of people hiding in bubbles of indifference and therefor, somehow, I must show Willy that he has to learn to stand for himself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have felt that I was alone in taking care of these boys.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to really be disgusted when a man is full of pride about his son, when he is not the ONLY one directing his son.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I have run out of options for trying to teach my son, as a person, towards self realization in the best way I possibly can think of.
Fuck
I forgive myelf for allowing and accepting my self to be afraid that I have failed with willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that everything is just coming down so hard right now and crushing me and I can’t support it any longer.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I have to support this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to walk away from all this supporting
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to really be sick of my mother calling and wanting support through listening to what emotion happens to be “flowing through” her at the moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be tired of watching my son Willy be all sad and full of self pity about not having a car, not having friends that live near by when Willy has so fucking much it is ridiculous.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I will not be able to continue to allow this behavior from Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that there is no avenue left for me to try and get Willy to stop smoking pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot reach Willy
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am not helping Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need help with Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe there is any substance in an idea that Willy is difficult, or doomed to fail
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that Willy does not have the capacity to stop allowing his emotions to direct him.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that Willy will never learn to stop allowing his emotions and fears to direct him.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see only the possibility of Willy being directed by his emotions and fears instead of realizing that he will find himself as he is life as he is absolute purpose, that he is love, that he is here and that somehow the veils of emotion and fear will dissipate.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see through the eyes of fear and remorse and regret that I perhaps caused this behavior in Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be the fear of an unproductive outcome with Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self for having to be alone in this process of raising these children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe in any other outcome but that of life and equality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that failure exists.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to cry and feel frustrated by an idea, an idea of potential stagnation and limited life for Willy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want this frudtration and fear with willy to simply disappear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I no longer know what to do.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is nothing I can do to stop Willy from smoking pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to build vision of doom and gloom an failure for Willy because he did not pass his driving test.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that Willy is a hopeless case
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to blame Willy for what physical constriction I have within my body presently.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel responsible for Willy’s behavior.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel responsible for the choices Willy is making.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to Willy’s behavior.
I am here
I am not responsible for Willy
I am not the feeling that there is going to be an ominous outcome with Willy

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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