Willfulness

In high school I wanted to take a life drawing course in Brooklyn, my mother had promised that I could go even though it was on a weekend when we would go to our summer house. The weekend came and suddenly I was not allowed to go. I stood and fought for what I wanted and was given the OK. In these years at high school I started to react to my mother, I started to stand in front of her and say no! At one point I cursed and yelled, my sisters were shocked. My mother has a very strong will. It is simply unheard of to go against this.
What surprised me was that instead of remaining and forcing her will on me she turned and ran away crying. The crying was hard to take, I felt sorry. I was surprised that she did this.
But there have been other times when she did not turn away in tears.
IN recent years my mother and I have come to be at odds because I have not wanted to do all she believes to be “right”. She even admits that she is a control freak.
Now our issues center around health care and religion.
I prefer not to follow “school” medicine and she is a great believer in this system.
She has become a devout catholic and I am against praying to a GOD.
Everytime I eat at her house I have to sit through a prayer before we eat and listen to references to GOD. I do speak up, but I get the silent “will” thing.
Collectively, between my twin sister and my mother I almost feel there is a conspiracy, poor becky has lost it and is part of some “cult”, she lost her husband and has had a hard life.
This weekend there was actually talk of “finding me a man”.
For all the young people on Desteni talking about their mothers, just want to say that it never ends. I think even when they are dead, their morality probably comes up-should one remain a MCS. ANd I watch my own children react to me! My one son says he cannot drive with me in the car, he is waiting for me to make a comment. There is constructive criticism and “nitpicking”, I am trying with willy to remain in a starting point of reminding him that he has to be aware 360 degrees while driving the car. He says he does this when I am not in the car.
I don’t want to win anything here, I want him to realize that he has to be aware and I remain in this. I have even said that he has to be able to remain aware even with someone in the car with whom he has anxieties or fears ( like me) !
So, I am reacting with anger and irritation towards my mother, while my son is reacting with anger and irritation with his mother ( me). The cycle continues.
Christmas Eve I normally go to my parents or they come to me. This year my son fragured his ankle and I have had back issues so we decided to stay home. My mother called and wanted us to come. I told her we decided to remain home and be calm. My mother immediately asked me to ask my boys what they wanted and then decide, so I did ( I could feel the irritation rising). I did what she asked even though I was pretty certain they would agree. Called my mother back and gave her the response from the boys. She accepted ( I thought I could hear “undercurrents in her voice”.)
But I was irritated, she is circumnavigating her insane cult daughter and wanting to directly control through my children. I am seeing this as willful intent.
Meanwhile, it does me no good to be irritated about this as a reaction, even if it is real or not. I am here reacting and being irritated. And all I need do is breath and speak as my self, whether it is what my mother wants to hear or not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to my mother’s will.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my mother’s will.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the consequences of my sons choosing to follow my mother’s will even if it goes against what I believe.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing my children.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry that I have to put up with Christmas to avoid a big dramatic reaction from my family.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be weary of listening to my mother press her morality on me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have second thoughts about the directions and opinions my mother voluntarily offers.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to never want to speak to my mother again because I don’t want to hear her direct me towards a role that is acceptable in our present existence.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel like I have no “spine” because I am a grown woman who is bothered by the opinions of her mother.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am here, that I can breath and that I have no reason left to fear not becoming the image and idea of what I should be based on what my mother believes.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my mother simply states what she believes with in her own accepted and allowed constructions and that I do not have to remain or follow these patterns, not react or become angry towards them.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my mother forcing her control on me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that one can force their control on me without my self having accepted and allowed such control.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that it is the reacting that I lose control and in so doing I give my self away to being controlled.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that reaction is a form of submission, whereby I lose self sense and become ego and emotion.
I forgive myself for not realizing that I am judging my mother and existing as ego.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to judge my mother and in this actually acting superior to her.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that remaining in breath , here, is how i can face my mother.
I am here
I am breath
I am breath as I listen to, and face the ideas and opinions of my mother without judgement
I am breath, here, as I hear my mother speak and I respond as what is best for all regardless of reply.
I am here as the principle of oneness in equality as I respond/reply to my mother.
I am not reaction and fear towards my mother.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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