presence as energy?

Still working on releasing a relationship tie.
This morning, as things seem to “hit” me in the morning as I awake, I felt the presence of this man, the presene of this man as a persona, as an ominous presence of his personality. He is the persona of the man I saw one morning upon awaking the second year after my husbands death. The image, as a movie, of an older man, sitting in front of me saying that he would take care of me. It is as though there is no time and he is here now.
Yesterday, I was looking at my self and I realized that in the last year I have run to this man to escape my own responsibilities. The burden of figuring out how to juggle the financial resources I have, how to keep my one son from becoming a pot-smoking-party-social-animal and the realization that my other son had gone off to college and that I would soon be alone was enough to believe I had time for a relationship and an escape from everything that was soon to be my life.
I was/am scared. I keep picturing my self alone in my house next fall not knowing what I am to do, not wanting to be alone. The paper work and the juggling of everything to keep things going was overwhelming me.
But, I know this way of seeing is chaos in some ways because one cannot walk through what is not yet here. And the capacity to walk through is there. I have done this; and many times with a “mantra” of “you can do this” repeating in my head over and over again.
So this “presence” hanging over me is of my own making. It is me, it is me hiding.
In the last weeks my son has pulled me back into what I wanted to hide from because the “watching of him” as he is unable to send his friends away ( which he has admitted to) when they show up at the house with pot and liquor and want to party. I seem to be “trapped” in my house against a crowd of reactive teenagers. Now, this behavior is not allowed here.
My hiatus is over, my hiding and wanting a partner is over. My fear of being alone, is not opportunity, or a condition of fear, it simply is.
Somehow, my back problems, due to something in the small of my back, is me giving my power away, or me out-of-balance. Even this morning my right middle finger was hurting. I am out of balance, somehow.
Dependency is unnerving, I end up spending time waiting for that on which I depend to come forward and solve/resolve/take care of and in the process I become restless and anxious.
It is like one is standing in a storm, where the storm is all the energetic things of belief, opinion, idea, to what others will think of one’s actions, in the recourse of opinion from perception of failure through others.How strange that we look to energy things to guide, that which is what is here but myopic. In this storm there is a constant, it is my self, it is absolute purpose as the principle of what is best for all, it is the realization that one is everything, equality being, one is all the “oresences” that are the storm, that one not fear or reject or accept, yet accept. A seeming dichotomy.
I say this but it is not helping because i am actually turning all of this into an idea. It is like building an idol to follow. I am still wanting to exit from the “storm”.
So, I must forgive the presence of this “care-giver” role/person that I have sought refuge with and I must forgive myself for hiding from my self in a belief that being alone is somehow failure and a scenario that is sad. I must not fear or believe in this image of a woman alone. I cannot fear being in my house alone. Besides I have a dog.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hide from my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that my responsibilities are a burden.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need help in facing my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am capable of responding as my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to seek someone to help me face my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to twist the idea of aloneness into a belief that this aloneness will create opportunity.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear letting go of the perception that I am walking away from support, the crutch of wanting to think that the support is there should I need this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel tired of trying to figure all of this out.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad at the idea that I will be alone soon.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to have a partner to manage all the financial and practical needs of living.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to project my future based on belief and idea and opinion of others and society.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that this believed aloneness in the future as an idea is not here, therefor what it is cannot be decided presently.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to judge my future based on the belief that being alone is sad.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I have failed because I will be alone.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my parents wanting me to step in and take care of them because I am alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being trapped in taking care of the things around me in and as what is accepted a roles within society.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I can do whatever I want when my second son leaves for school.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my to not realize that there are many things I can do once I am alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to punish my self and criticize my self for wanting to hide from my responsibilities.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear dealing with my finances.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to create a belief about what my future will be or will not be.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow all these fears to take the power of my self and create an imbalance.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the presence of this man role to potentially be a support system.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel guilty for not accepting this presence as guide to solve my fears.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to give into this in some ways.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be enticed by the companionship of this man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want this companionship, to want another person as helper in life to be a part of my life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not want to let this go because it is, within the context of society, what one does.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad that I am rejecting this role and the inherent sweetness in the imagery of companionship and aging with a partner that is what we have come to accept as good.
I forgive mys elf for allowing and accepting my self to not want to hurt this man in choosing not to become the role of his companion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to cry about this, as though I am losing something of value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that this is the easy road, the accepted road.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that perhaps there is a way to pull all this together into something that is inclusive of self discovery.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to even think about this scenario of having a companion and fitting it into being my self, into discovering my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to have all the answers.
I am here
I am life
I stand as my self here as all as one as equal
I am not this presence of an offering of companionship
I am not this need for support from another
I am not alone
I am not a victim of teenagers
I stand and tell these teenagers to leave my home.
I stand and take what liquor bottles I find and smash them on the street and ardently say that these thing are not allowed in my home!
I stand and tell my son that if he wants to go to art school he needs to fill out all applications , he needs to prove that he wants to go.
I stand and tell my son that he is self responsible.
I am not here to be the pretty picture of a female companion to a man.
I am not here to fulfill the role of female companion.
I do not need a male to accompany me through life.
I need not fear standing alone as my self.
I am here
I am life
I am equal to what is before me and need not fear what I have accepted and allowed.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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