Even though I have left my boyfriend I am still with my boyfriend. I am with him in my mind. My knees hurt ( memory ) and my back is still stiff but better.
Last night I read, or re-read, Veno’s articles on how the mind is designed;
And I thought about how simple it is, this energy movement, because it is about sex and money.
I am still with my boyfriend because I am pulling up all these memories of our relationship during the past year. Conversations, intimacy, “stances”, happenings etc. and also tying these things that are consuming me into future events, into what might or might not happen, into possible reactions.
And this morning, upon waking I suddenly realized that I am just a massive ball of relationship to this man, and it is all in my head. The sex, the money situation, the family. So, much I don’t even know where to begin with this!
I have had moments when I was angry with him-as I remembered events that occurred. How can I be angry, I stopped this!
Then I realized that he is probably going through moments of being angry. I cannot be angry because we are the same, he is me and I am him in that we are both existing as energy and we are going to be moving around in this energy in justification, in vindication as thoughts, in sorrow, in anger, in grief as emotion and in feeling rejected, in feeling that rejection is what is necessary, in feeling loss of possibility-possibility being an avenue of hope cycling one back into more and more “scenarios” and possibilities. And then, moving into the positive, where one decides that something new will come along, and that everything will be for the better.
The place of no answers, the place of no solution, the place of dismay, where eventually something else will come along to move in with the memories of relationship designed by the mind. And all for sex, money, and validation.
I wrote a letter to Smithfield about their pigs/sows. The heading on the web page has the word ” responsibly” next to the company logo.
I thought, oh, so we stick a word next to our name, such as ‘responsibly” and this will project the nature of what we are. But it is this “word” that misdirects, that even reveals what is being hidden in how it directs one away from the polarity that is present. To stand against the “positive” that is thrust before one is what I have found difficult in the responses I encounter with people about equality. To actually decide to look behind the “pretty” words is daunting and scary. It is like pulling away a veil, to see what actually exists. And then one must accuse and speak up. Confrontation is difficult and overwhelming. At least it is for me. I usually get lost in righteousness. Or if I do manage to remain calm I have to wait through the “hot air” reaction of anger blasted at me through words. Here I have realized that I cannot take such things personally, I have to see them as my self.
Confrontation is acting as a “god”, which just as much enslavement as following. So I notice that becoming righteous in speaking up is “heavy” and overwhelming because I am as much that of energetic movement as not speaking up and following. Both lead no where. Only into “would have, could have, should have” which is self vindication and justification, which leads to emotions of sorrow and sadness, feelings of beliefs being rejected.
These thoughts and images that continue this relationship that I have cut off in my life, but continue in my head, that have no answers, have consumed me.
I am simply existing as a persona, as a role, as a woman, as a lover.
Oh, and I am hope, hope that this man will understand why I don’t want to continue, why I have chosen to dis-cover my self. But, let me tell you, the pull towards the sex and the norm is really strong! I noticed that many people on my face book are no longer there.
What keeps me going with this? What is forcing me to speak forgiveness towards the desires crawling up my back? The rollercoaster of energy, the article written by- I think- Munchkin, about how sex fuels the system. Our children, the children of the world are much more important than sex. ( this makes me want to cry) : ( How can we do this- and this is only K+INFO for me but it really disturbs me.
Also, I know I can stop this because I have stopped memories of a man before desteni came into m life. I spent a lot of time remembering and longing for my dead husband, One day I just realized that I was dreaming of a dead man and that this was insane, And let me tell you, it was fucking hard to stop any and all thought that came up about him. It was like I was at war. sometime I would kick and scream and cry STOP, STOP, STOP- and I did not have forgiveness.
Also, I can no longer listen to this man tell me the same things again and again and again. being with someone who does not realize they are energy is like being one of those sows confined in a pen. But then this is that me that becomes uncomfortable and feels burdened and think something has to be done, but there really is nothing to do but stop. This choosing to walk and simply stop I think I believe to be cold and selfish and mean. Negation and indifference. Or is this the woman fearing no longer existing as the role of compassion and patience, fearing not being called “she’s a peach to put up with him”.
All of this is really fearing being oneself, fearing the loss of the words that are the veil that presents a pretty picture.
I am here
I am not my mind
I am not my emotions
I am not my thoughts
I am not energetic constructs of memory
I delete, eliminate and disengage from all memory of sexual desire for this man
I delete, eliminate and disengage from all memory of intimacy with this man.
I delete and eliminate and disengage from all fear of criticism
I delete and eliminate and diengage from all criticism of this man in and as thought and reaction to images as memory.
I am breath
I am here as breath
I stand one and equal with this man as what I have accepted and allowed and I forgive my self.
I am breathing.