I have told this man I have dated for the last year all about desteni, well, as much as I had to tell without comments that would end the conversation, or my own ability to make things clear.
He had told me last summer that my “ideas” from Desteni were being expressed too much within the relationship. I told him I would not stop. But he has asked me often to “let the mystery be”, to ” sit back and enjoy the ride because we don’t know, and can’t know how the world works”, that “science is going to take a long time to figure out how it all works”, that ” in geological time nothing ever happens in one man’s life time”, that ” yes, the present medicine system does not have the answers but it is the best we have”, that ” he was a “searcher” and tried meditation and attempted to “ascend” to a “higher state” but realized he was incapable of this ( which was a astute perception) and therefor decided to just enjoy his life”. These statements have been repeated to me often, and I have counteracted with statements to the contrary.
I am also a woman to him. If I say something that does not fit into his way of thinking, I am either a woman or a dreamer.
So, I decided that I wanted to read about what atrocities exist in the world, I wanted to stop the incessant dialogue of the mind, I wanted to spend my life speaking against what exists here. He believes this will be a futile effort, or that it is something someone else will do.
I finally said to him that I did not want to accept the ways things were, that I wanted to spend time on the internet reading and sharing information, that I wanted and believed that there must be a way and that I wanted to spend my time in such an endeavor.
Basically we interacted very well. We could remain calm and talk these things out and there was no intense pressure on me to change, no anger directed to me to change-or rather let go of my direction- he simply did not want my “ways” to encroach into his life.
Physically, the sex went from “hot desire” to a calm and gentle experience, where touching one another was as good as anything.
But the judgements and comments about how I looked in the beginning, how my hair looked, what I should wear- and on and on- where really hard for me. I was so anxious, I had to do a lot of forgiveness on how I judged how I looked, I had to just say “this is what I am, take it or leave it” and in this he eventually stopped making comments.
So, today we decided, I decided, to stop, even though the relationship is really very calm and comfortable. He knows I do not believe in “love” or soul mates but today he said that we were soul mates, and that he loved me, but sometimes he does not, so he will go on, that what we have is hard to find etc.
He has offered to “take care” of me, and he has also said that he does not want another woman to “take his money”.
The endless things said, the contradictions.
Meanwhile, I have to look at why I entered this in the first place. Did I want “someone to take care of me”, was I being a woman looking for a man to “take care”? Well, I knew he would not want to move in with me instantly because he had his own means and there are plenty of men that would do this, so I knew I was safe from this and I knew he takes care of his family so there was no room for total encroachment into my life. I would have the space to get to know him. And I would be interacting with a man, to know my self better. Perhaps some of the above desires were also present, they had to be, I am a program that wants to survive and I’d be dreaming if I thought I no longer existed as the role of a woman. I do/have believed that one tries to fulfill as many variables as possible- as though the more variables covered, the more successful the outcome.
Decent man, self sufficient, physically compatible, many common interests, single, verbal, has offered to take care of me, knows my family for many years, and I walk because I want to stop my mind. And he is a man that would react to things by solving them practically with his own hands. He is self responsible on a “micro level” but chooses not to be on a “macro level” because he believes man evolves at a really slow rate- and we can do nothing about this.
Besides, he smokes pot and enjoys his mind.
So, what we actually lived- worked ( he lives VERY simply ) , practical approaches, respect for nature, etc.
Stopping the mind was not something one did, and thinking one could change the world was a dream.
This has been coming on now for more than two weeks. I have not seen him because he does not want to hear about what is happening with my self, yet I have to listen to his philosophy. I think I have heard every memory he has in his head. I had to finally say to him to stop being a memory. He did stop.
For while in the summer, I would have these sudden “waves” of a feeling of despair and I did a lot of forgiveness, yet it would not stop. Oneday, I asked this man if he was feeling sad periodically, he did say that he “had his moments”. I asked him to stop this ( because I can’t approach this from “it being the mind” with him), that this was meaningless. After this, these episodes stopped- from one moment to the next. ( I have no idea, no proof that this was from him, or just me- it was more of an experiment on my part )
The images, the sexual images that came up in my mind. I have never seen such things-unless they were so buried that I did not see them. Either that, or I have read/heard too many blogs and vlogs on the visual mind aspect of sex that I see what is buried within my self, or the images discussed have enflamed my imagination.
But then again, if I can sit in a room alone with a school principle during a job interview and be numbed in shock by the strength of what I see in the man in front of me to the point where I cannot hear what the fuck he is saying because all I see is a mind that is so fucking licentious one can almost feel the “dripping scum of it” and I want to leave but am curious as to how this exists and why doesn’t anyone see this. Why doesn’t anyone see that all the females in the school have the same goddamn fucking sensuality, I mean there is name for this and I didn’t see it- THE HAREM EFFECT.
So , is it me, or am I the sponge, extremely mutable, excessively mutable, I pick it all up.
All that water. Scorpio in the 12th/pisces, moon in pisces in the 4th house/cancer. No wonder I am so confused all the time, I can’t possible process all that I am mopping up.