I am standing in my kitchen and thinking about a reoccuring pattern in my life. It has to do with how I demonstrate my self in the world. And it has to do with how many times in my life, among family and friends and colleagues I have been considered very “spacey”.
If I look back at situations where I had become a member of a musical group such a pattern exits. Often I was placed in the back of the group. I would just play and try to do the best I could. Eventually, I would be noticed for my playing and move up to the front.
Once in front the games would begin, the competition would begin, and sometimes, upon immediately being moved to the front, the anger would arrive, the comments. In the front suddenly competition and expectation were part of my existence. And I would always react, be dismayed and overwhelmed.
I would become angry that others were judging me, not realizing that I was facing a game of elimination in the ways of competition, where the rule is to eliminate the competition by any means necessary. I took it personally.
I would be confused and intimidated by the expectations of the adults and authorities around me wanting me to move up to another level of capability to the point where I would lose my ability to direct my self, that which enabled me to arrive to the point I had achieved. I would lose it, I would lose the focus and become immersed in the desires of others, in the desires of the system; the leaders wanting me to demonstrate on demand, the competition, by it’s nature, forcing me to participate in a game of elimination.
But this is about my approach. Why am I always considered a space cadet? And then slowly, I come forward. Demonstration is not really the goal, a goal. Too many times, the very “spacey” thing I have stated within my family, have later been repeated by them, and I stand there thinking, “this is what I have been saying”. But even in this I am met with denial, because the person repeating what I have said is repeating the words as though they are the revealer.
I am usually dismayed by this, I am now once again on the front lines. Of course, if what I have said, that was considered from outer space, and is now repeated, is of my own imagination and illusion I am really fucked. On the other hand, if this pattern exists, I realize it doesn’t matter. I accepted a long time ago not to become upset by this, because it was more important that what was being said be something that “rung true”.
So, this is why I am so spacey. because in the swirling mess and mass of all that is around me, and in my desire to make sense of it all, I always return to that thing that seems stable, that thing that brings stability. That thing that enabled me to be noticed and placed in the front of the group. But I am unable to deal with what I meet when placed in the eye of the storm. I lose my self. I become reactive and angry that I am asked to force my self into an idea of what I am supposed to be.
In many ways, the things that Desteni asks us to see I have already been noticing. Noticing the things that one becomes that stop what it is that one is, the “energetic beliefs” that, like a storm, engulf, and take one from one’s course of action, things that de-stablise that subtle point of harmony, that is so gentle and constant, that is so centering, so fluid. The irony is that this is why I am here.
And yet I fear that I am just being ego. With all the vlogs and blogs and head shaving requirements I fall into guilt and dismay. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just an old woman who is so much a part of her mind that what is presented is illusive?
I am once again on the front and am dismayed by the requirements. Many times on FB I have private messages about the amount of hair I have on my head! The last person even asked about the hair under my arms! I was actually beginning to think this person was somehow getting off on talking about the condition of my body hair!
I actually think everyone looks quite beautiful without their hair! ( though my sister does not agree, she thinks the Desteni people all look sickly without their hair )
In the end it is not about vlogging, it is not about shaving one’s hair, it is about becoming oneness in equality. It is about exchanging information that reveals the common sense of equality whether this is via the internet, or among daily encounters with what is presently existing.
One step at a time. Blogging is my present step.
How……something. I just reread this post and remembered the dream I described in a previous post. I keep remembering this dream. I can’t describe how beautiful the movement in this dream was, this dream “image” where I turned from the emotion in the dream to watch these two people notice one another and come together in the most amazing fluid like dance I have ever experienced in my life. It was so beautiful. And it stopped the turmoil of the dream I was in. Really curious.
I suppose this post is a reflection of this dream.
Meanwhile, my back is a brick. Am I just simply afraid to be “fluid”? Am I aware of my own solution, is this my resistance?
What comes up in response to this?
Tears…oh to not be afraid to be this!