Coughing

Two weeks ago I threw out my back in some way. I have been doing very little since then. I have had days where I make myself move and do things, but it only makes it worse. Then, just when I thought it was getting better I get a stuffed up nose and a cough. Every time I cough, my body reminds me of the “cylindrical brick shaped thick” thing that is in the small of my back.

I don’t sleep, or seek sleep outside of six hours, I just lay there and watch what is moving. Mostly because TV and movies are not that entertaining, I can watch just so much. And it is really hard to type on one’s back. So, now I am standing.

Today, I tried to go into this, to find anything that would lessen this “mass”. I worked on forgiving my self for feeling responsible for my son. Nothing.

Then a thought came up about an encounter with a computer man this week. I hobbled into a computer store and faced a clerk there. As I stood in front of him, our eyes interacting, I suddenly looked at him. I began to think he was of this ethnic background, had this education, masked this insecurity etc. All the while I realized that I put a facade on my self, and he then became a facade, he closed himself and became more the stereo type that I perceived. The whole while our “social niceties” continued.

As I walked from the store my back was worse than when I entered. My body was telling me exactly what I was doing, in no uncertain terms. I had moved into my mind, I had suppressed my self.

Then a sexual desire came up, an idea of this man I know and the feeling associated with our sexual interaction. ( I must also say that I have not had sex in the last two weeks and have not thought about it, BUT have tried the breath orgasm, which has “washed” a pleasant feeling over me, which must have had some success…) When this desire came up I decided to try the breath orgasm. I started to breath and touch my self gently. There was a pleasant feeling that washed, not up towards the “brick” but down ward and “through” my pelvis and then up and around.
After this I could cough and I got up and felt lighter, and I could walk.

I could walk again without pain, but i knew it would come back as it had done before, because I had not dealt with what was causing the suppression, what was causing the block/brick/constriction.

I went around the house and did some things until I couldn’t, until it was back. This has been the cycle.

Sometimes when I play i have felt this area constricting. when I get nervous/anxious. I am nervous and anxious a lot, and have done forgiveness on this but I know it is not working very well. Forgiveness on this is very slow. Like taking a rubber band off of a rubber band ball one at a time, and the rubber band ball is HUGE.

Later in the day, in another episode of lying down, of trying to find a position where the cough does not hurt I had a thought about my husband, and about principle.

Yesterday I thought about principle. I remember thinking and asking if there were a man in the world that moved as principle, that realized that my boys were life and would treat them as such. Aman who would be here with me, and not spoil, not favor, not crticize as ego. I wanted a man of principle. I knew this would be hard to find. It was then that I said to my self that I am here, I must be able to do this alone. Eventually I found Desteni.

What is it about the idea of principle that makes me want to cry, now, here, as it did earlier, after I thought about my husband?

I can feel my back tightening, I can feel the tears. Earlier these tears seemed to clear. I don’t think that I am worthy of this. I don’t think I am worthy of life. Here, right now, I remember what I thought, and it has the same effect. And this effect somehow wants to come out, this belief, this feeling, this brick that stops me.
I know I have to forgive myself self, but today, today I want to ask life, which is what I am, but I am not because I did not see what was happening, to forgive me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel unworthy of life, to feel that I have not been responsible for the people around me and therefor am unworthy of life. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that principle exist outside of me and is not my self , here as life. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I cannot stand as principle, that I cannot stand as life. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel woeful in believing my self to lack life and an ability to move as the principle of all as one as equal. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be anxious and nervous. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not remain in breath. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel afraid that my parents and siblings are going to think I have lost it, which they are already saying; they are saying that I am not making any sense and won’t let me talk, it is like the words I speak do not penetrate. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not being heard. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not being able to express the principle of equality I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being cast out because I have stepped away from my culture. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the barrage of verbal anger and chastisement and “hand wiggling” in nervousness that is what happens when my father becomes unnerved. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot stand up to this. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I amy have to walk away. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot stand up to this, when actually, the moment i am confronted with this I will probably know what to do, it is in the belief of this that I become nervous, in the thinking of this that I become nervous. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear falling in a crowd of people, to fear falling in the face of opposition, to fear not being able to remain as principle. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear what is not here. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear going up against a system. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing as my self within a system. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear systems. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear breaking a family system . I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear breaking a “relationship” system. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing the support of the family system, to fear losing the support of the relationship system. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have become anxious about breaking with the family system and the relationship system in and as an idea that I am abandoning the people around me, as I abandoned my husband in not saving him. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear no longer having a family system for support. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to use systems as support, family, sibling, town, relationship with men known for years from my area, where everyone knows me and my family. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to walk from the family system and the relationship system, where I will lose support and be a “nobody”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing all that I am should I lose my family. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel nervous and anxious about losing my family’s support. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need my family’s support.
I have walked through things without the support of my family before, so why is this such a fear and an issue?
I am here, I have walked alone before, I am life, I can walk, I am here. I can move as principle. I will remain as my self should I lose everything, I will remain, as life, here.

I

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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