Because my back is a mess, I was feeling sorry for my self today. I was wondering what I was doing here because I can’t move. The only thing keeping me here is my son. My son who is drinking and smoking pot, who is very social, who wants people around him at all times. I don’t even go and see this man I have been seeing because I believe I can’t leave my son at home alone. When I do he has many of his school friends here and they drink and they smoke. I have found cigarettes everywhere, ashes everywhere, doors left open and the dog out, barking. My son is consumed with attention from his peers, becoming addicted to the “numbness” of pot.

I feel I have failed in some way, I have led him to this.

He says it is because he lives here on this, in Winter, isolated peninsula, where there is nothing to do and because he does not have car. He no longer wants to be here, but cannot leave because he has to finish school.

We go from battles to talks about the MCS and forgiveness as we drive distances in the car.

The car. I am teaching my son to drive. I watch him, he has no ability to feel the car, as in, being aware of the car and the 360 degrees of space around the car. This child that had so much spatial awareness no longer seems to have the ability to see. I watch this and try to explain this. Meanwhile my car now has dents and scratches.

I feel I have a reckless headstrong consuming entity in my house that is my son. Every door is now cracked, two of the upstairs windows are broken. I have decided not to fix them, to wait until he passes from this stage. Too many times I have fixed these things and they suddenly appear again.

And I feel responsible for all of this. Is my son a reflection of me?

When I allow him what he wants he comes to me and hugs me and says nice things to me. When I say no, he attacks me verbally and slams the door or storms off and will not answer the phone. He did this tonight. I said he could not have another crowd here, so he came home, would not speak to me and stormed off somewhere. I have no idea where he is.

I have told him he has to do his college applications. I have no idea if he has done them.

I made him retake to SAT tests and his English score went up. His math score is high. He has made the honor role this semester.

He was called into the office at school, three times one day. His teachers are wondering if he is depressed. His teachers all asked me this when I went to the parent night a couple of weeks ago. Even the guidance counselor spoke with him. None of them called me.

My son was angry, he said he was not depressed just ready to leave the cape and move on, couldn’t they understand that he just really no longer wanted to be here.

Yet, I have told him there is so much here. There are things in his field of interest available. But he does not participate.

Though, he must be doing his work, and he is sporadically working on self created projects.  SPO-RADICALLY. My son is being spot radical. Very intense in what he does, with reckless abandon. This is what unnerves me. This reckless abandon.

How to expand the awareness of the physical, of the objects that are around my son and their function? He has this ability. IN his -literally-emotional storm he is blinded.


About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation
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