Last night I had another one of those dreams about my husband leaving me for another woman. This time, the woman he was leaving me for, had a husband that I knew and that I liked. Yesterday, I could not stop the thoughts about my present “man” , thoughts of fear that he was leaving me.
My husband is dead, so why am I even contemplating his “leaving of me”? Insane to think/dream about something that is not here.
In the last…weeks, I have had such resistance to forgiveness. I have to make myself do it. All the while I can’t seem to find the words because the words I am using are not …something. I have started yawning again, I feel tired. Non of this is extremely strong, just there. Resistance.
So, I obviously continue to have issues around fear of loss of a/my man. I also have “imaginings” of being dressed nice for a man, of looking good for a man ( and I don’t wear makeup, or pluck my eyebrows, or wear high heels etc.). I don’t think about this much. I wonder if this is because I have so many people telling me how young i look, how good I look for my age, how my figure is better than most teenagers etc. This constant barrage of compliments always surprise me ( this summer I was asked what workout/diet plan I used), I am not used to them, but I do notice that many of my friends that are in their 40’s and 50’s are beginning to “thicken” in the middle and turn really gray and so far I have not done this. So, perhaps this is the reason why. ( One friend asked me why haven’t I developed the dark circles under my eyes?)
Come to think of it, when I was in my twenties and looking for a job in New York, I was asked to show ID because the interviewer did not believe I was old enough to work. So, perhaps I either am aging more slowly, or all the health stuff I am into is showing. ( I believe that one should eat food that is organic ( to not hurt the earth) and that is processed as little as possible ( remains in the form that the earth presented it). I have been doing this for a really long time. I had thought that the only solution was to do this, and that when I became old, then maybe I could say that this is what I had done. Which is what I am telling people today. I say, that I eat unprocessed organic foods and very very little sugar. What do I get, blinking eyes and silence. I believe I have even said that I also do forgiveness. I have lost some weight during this process, not a lot, just some “padding” here and there.
So, I dream about men leaving me ( dead men!!!) and I have thoughts/imaginings of looking good/enticement? and my back is a fucking mess.
Still can’t stand up straight, especially after sitting for an extended period of time. Did practice yesterday. Want to harmonize with my voice as I play. It is me wanting to “immerse” my self in harmony. Also have anxiety about the quartet. Our cellist has left. My second violin does not want to go to Boston to play with another cellist because it is another man. Three men and one woman does not suit him. I am torn between concentrating on my own improve ( what I did on the street this summer) and the quartet. Have asked for the recordings of our performance to place online but they never come and then I forget.
I am annoyed with the violin player. He has gout and is not interested in Desteni because he does not want to rewrite his program. I have seen little movies of the quartet in front of me, in little blue lighted boxes, so all of this is a program. I feel like it must be this dragging program where nothing happens and all I do is hope and become distracted from my own movement towards this sound thing I am curious about that I cannot name, that has no form, that felt really good just pouring out of me on the street. I think I will make this a hobby, without any intent for success. Is the only way to look at it, otherwise it becomes so conditional and then fear is there.
Conditions are laws / guidelines are fears = loss of principle
My dreams of men leaving are the guidelines of a system, that, should I not follow, I will lose.
But this is also my self feeling that I am not good enough, that I do not look good enough, that I am not something enough. I have forgotten that I am life.
At the end of my theme based dream was something different that I have never seen before. I was in a train station and I looked over to the side. I saw this woman ( am not sure if it was a woman or a man) went running over to a ticket counter where another woman/person with a baby in their arms was standing. The two appeared to recognize one another. They started this really different – very strange -have never seen before-dance. They, all three- baby and the two persons- to intertwine, as in becoming extremely mutable and “encircling” one another in some harmonious synchronized continual movement, especially in their neck area as “contact”point ( so to speak).
Since this was images in a dream, and of the mind, I have no idea what this is, this dancing. The child appeared ecstatic.
So, in this dream I turn from my fears and stop for a moment to watch some “fluid like intertwining “dance. What have I written here? About my fears/desires towards men relations/self judgements and music.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to dream about the loss of a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as images in and as my mind that play out the fear of loss of a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to define my self according to my relationship status of having or not having a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to have a child with a man, as though having a child is an affirmation of love for man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to imagine my self looking/appearing/dressing/moving in an agreeable manner to entice a man into wanting me in and as images and imaginings/scenarios/play outs within and as my mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe in the hierarchies of relation between a man/possession/authority and a woman/submission/obedience (which is really passive/aggressive control) as what it is that I am, here, instead of being awareness of/as all as one as equal. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow my mind to consume and dictate the attention of my self here as life as all as one as equal. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as a singular play out of a polarity, the polarity of the masculine object verses the feminine object. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to exist as the desire to be loved/possessed/dominated by a man in and as being an object of desire that is really enslavement to images and emotional release by a man. I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot survive unless I have a Lohengrin, that in finding my “Lohengrin” I will learn obedience and be satisfied in the act of serving GOD, as the serving of God being the highest form of existence for a woman. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to exists as a desire to serve GOD. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to find and serve the “white Knight”/ white night/white light that I believe to be GOD/the pinnacle/nirvana/fruition/fulfillment in and as life. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that my role is to serve. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that in order to “taste” the exstacy of God/existence/nirvana/fulfillment I must be obedient to a man, must entice a man to desire me so that I may experience a moment of gentleness of kindness of admiration of self satisfaction that the man exists as, as he revels in the submission of a woman to himself. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing the admiration of a man for my self as a woman. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I have nothing to offer a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I have nothing to offer man but my self as woman. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not self realize. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing up as my self, especially now that my family has questioned my involvement in a “cult” ant tell me that my words are not making any sense. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be affected by the words and reactions of the people around me to how I “look” presently for my age and to what I am interacting with that is not of the culture that is of my upbringing. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to suddenly be affected by the words of the people around me, as though the energy of the words is slowly seeping in and taking over because I am not strong enough to stand on my own. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget to breath, to allow the words as the reacting of others to in-fl(o)uence my self and undermine my self honesty because I continue to move as knowledge and information.
I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water here, as though the reactions and words of the people around me are of water in which I am drowning, because I fear losing them, I fear them being lost and that I am somehow doing something wrong because I am failing in taking them with me, as though the principle of what I am doing is not strong within my self.
How can one really have a solution if it does not reverberate strongly enough to stop the illusion that we exist as??????
I must remember process, everything is a process. Awareness as life into the physical appears to be slow moving. And I am a racehorse.