Between not being able to get onto the internet and moving a tree into my house for the winter and thereby doing something to my back to such an extent that I can barely walk, I have not been able to put my existence onto this site.
So, I lay in bed, not being able to sleep ( which is really boring) with a heating pad under my back. Today, I will take some aspirin I which I have not used in a very long long time) and go to see an herbalist in a neighboring town.
Which brings to mind as past event: A few years after the death of my husband, I had these “mood” “happenings” that would suddenly occur, as though the anxiety and grief of the death of my husband followed me. Yet, I would say to my self that this was no longer needed and so, why where they still here? So, I went to see this herbalist ( that everyone think is a quack) and described the emotion that would come up. She mixed some herbs together and I took them and they worked. I could feel the gentleness of them seem to melt the grief and anxiety that was like a residual mass within me. All of this is another reason why, when I found Desteni, I believed them. Simply because I had seen such abstract things as residual feelings continuing where they were unnecessary, where I no longer wanted them because they were not of the present.
Which brings me to the topic of my back acting up in a really extreme, stop-the-movement-of-my-self way and bringing the tree into the house.
I have some projects that I want to complete; passive solar heater, reading program, my own music-away from the quartet, school applications, taxes, house organizing-clothes, tools, trees cut into fire wood, dog brushed,internet sites created, etc. I have not been moving towards the completion of these things consistently and in an organized manner. I am allowing them to overwhelm me. I am feeling that I have too much to do and am neurotically doing nothing or small amounts towards “getting the ball rolling”. All this while trying to stop the mind. And I don’t even have a job, well cooking dinner every night and keeping a house somewhat clean and ready for winter and having rehearsals twice a week is like having a job. Even forcing my self to come here and write when I could just meander through all this verbally is like a job. But the definition of a job is receiving a pay check, but in a way I do receive a pay check. A paycheck that allows the next generation to participate in the world. Ironically, I view it as my responsibility to take my situation and use it to promote equality. Another indication that I have created in my mind as a response that I am supposed to do. I am overwhelming my self with beliefs of responsibility, and these beliefs are accumulating as tasks that need to be done. I am burdening my self. I am jumping to images of completion and the steps needed to arrive at a goal, and in seeing this, in being this “idea” of what I want I am weighing my self down in image and idea instead of breathing and walking in the moment. Physically, I cannot walk very well at the moment because I have so much anxiety, because i have to do these things alone. There is no one here to help me ( woe is me-boo-hoo!!!!) because the people I know don’t want to discover these alternative possibilities and just ask me to let them know if they work. And the members of the quartet don’t really want me to do my own thing.
So, I will walk and speak forgiveness on believing my self to be alone, and feeling that life is a burden to bear alone because at the moment I have to get my son up to go to school.
I am here.
I can walk, although in a bent-over, crunched up “style”, it can be done.