I went to see someone today, last night, i mean, and watched a movie and talked with his mother and his cousin. In the movie the girl/woman has many “breakdowns” as she follows through in completing a goal she has set for herself. Just as I am having many “falls” within the task I have set for my self. But these “breakdowns” are not really something to label as a wrong, they simply show me where i am of the mind, where I am judging and wanting and “giving meaning to” as my mind. They are the drama that belief creates because they are where one has an expectation, where one desires, where one wants, where one believes one has been “thwarted”. The mind is soporific, it makes one drowsy, it puts one to sleep, it stops life, it stops joy, it stops oneness in equality.
I have set a task. TASK= to ask, meaning one is needing something outside oneself to complete oneself. To “task” is to keep in mind a beginning and an end, steps to completion. A structure, which becomes all that one sees, which slows down awareness, or rather limits awareness into one set of directions. Reading maps can be difficult because one is limited to a flat picture, so the difficulty is in dumbing one’s senses to sense lines and squiggles on a page, read with the mind , the mind that likes such action because this is how the mind works. Practically speaking, if one is staring at a map to direct oneself from Boston to Albany does one notice the physical landscape or the map? Does one notice north, or south, where the sun is in the sky? How the type of tree changes regionally? And countless other subtleties existent within the physical world. One begins to see the cloistered fashion in which the mind works. There are even directives, which is culture, ingrained through moving symbols and images, emotionally. I suppose I am describing morality. We spend our lives studying the meaning behind the images until they are “ingrained” and then we process these images into emotion and use more rules to balance the emotions into some collectively “mind” accepted presentation. We are so busy learning to read this map that we do not see the physical landscape of awareness, that which we really are as life as all as one as equal; we miss the whole in the process of staring at the map of the mind. The mind is a mapped out construct, and like all maps it is flat, it is a set of tasks. Those who complete the tasks, step by step by step, are considered successful.
In this there is no punishment, there is simply fulfilling the tasks and maintaining the structure of the system. Everything else overloads the map until it can no longer be read. Too many variables and the mind stops. Ask too many questions and the response is often anger. In asking the question another variable is included and the mind reacts in overload. The only thing to do is to push away, is to resist.
Resistance is eliminating a variable.
Here I am trying to “logic” my self to understanding. Should I present this argument I would encounter anger, I would encounter overload from the mind desperately trying to create a map of what I am saying. Anger is fear that the map of the mind will be lost in details, covered in so much detail that the image will become a black page, no longer readable by the mind. Therefor, the mind can only exist in limitation, in selected details that exclude variables/details. The mind can never consider the whole. The mind can never consider equality because then it can no longer exist. All that it would “see” is a black page. Not even “light” would make it readable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as my mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to accept a few variables to be a guide, the direction of my self. I forgive msyslf for allowing and accepting my self to become angry and righteous when encountering the maps that are the minds of people around me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become frustrated with the maps that are the minds of people around me because I am trying to force variables onto already cluttered mind maps. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become impatient when I encounter the maps of minds that are the movement and direction of people around me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as a task, an agenda, an added variable, which I righteously want to impose onto other “mind maps”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that perhaps the process of eliminating the mind is “overloading” the mind with details, considerations, variables, and in the process creating anger and frustration. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to resistance. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to find a gentle solution to stopping the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing that the process of becoming the mind was one of pain in excluding awareness to see a limited set of variables, which is really allowing a cage full of holes, a skeleton of life to be what it is that is my existence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see through the eyes of a limited mapped out system. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to inwardly defend the limited set of details and variables that are my mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist within the map/grid/construct/skeleton that is the mind. I forgive myself for not realizing that everything that passes as thought and emotion is a skeleton of what life is. I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to move as a “reader “ of the mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe the mind to be my GOD, my directive principle instead of realizing that my self as awareness of all as one as equal as directive principle.
I am here
I am life
I am all as one as equal.