So, I seem to always be thinking about this man. Should I stay with him? Should I remain? I am a polarity of leaving and staying- and within this in constant judgement as I compare him to other men in the act of wondering what it would be like to be with a man I should happen to see on the street. This process, the “noticing” of this has made me realize that I am always seeking attention in my mind, even if I “intellectually” stop what I am thinking because I know “the grass is not greener on the other side of the hill”. Yet I still do this “wondering” and I still contemplate my relationship with a man.
What I think about more than anything is the fact that this man goes into a visual need – to which he admits freely- sexually. He makes it clear that he is visual and likes this aspect because it is “how men think”. But when he is this we are mechanical and I am too aware of his approach to not see it. This is when I want to leave and stop. Sometimes . though, it is a different story, he is very intimate and, as Andrea has said in her videos about relationship, this is so nice. So, sometimes it feels as though we are just simply enjoying one another physically and sometimes it is like I am a female object to visually stimulate this man.
What am I doing within this? I switch between enjoying the physical and getting off on the submissive role of being a female object. Had I not thought about the mind I might have fallen into believing that I am being a good woman in being the pleasing submissive object of desire for a man. I was what I am supposed to be within the current system of energy that determines our belief.
So, these are the thoughts that “swirl”.
There is more, actually.
I also think financially. There is pressure to find a man with an income to support what I have ( which is more than a lot of people have!). This man waffles between saying he has enough to saying he does not have enough. meanwhile I have told him that financially I cannot marry or my situation changes. I don’t even know if this is true, I have just said this to stop him from asking for me. I have said this to stop the movement of having me for what I have in saying that in the having of me one loses what I appear to possess; which is income. “You want me, you will have to decide to give up some of the income I have” Have to say it is surprising to see the reactions.
I remember being paid less, in New York, than the men in “lower” positions within the hierarchy of the company I worked for. I was shocked at the time, I thought that this had changed. I did not complain because I wanted the job. So, as far as the system goes, women continue to be paid less, so we can be stuck in the role of being a object of desire for a man. No wonder, so many women have become ruthless in the work place.
Back to my thoughts. my polarities. I am a ping-pong ball with in all this.
The sex thing and the financial musings, as what is with in making a decision about this man. But it is not the decision within the polarities that has to be made. It is the stopping of the weighing of the choices and the questions, and within this judging the perceived outcomes inherent within the choices that are of beliefs dependent on my own cultural indoctrination of what is proper and has meaning.
I read an essay, written by a Leslie A. White, about the use of symbol.
Mr. White states;
” The natural processes of biologic evolution brought into existence in man, in man alone, a new and distinctive ability: the ability to use symbols. The most important form of symbolic expression is articulate speech. Articulate speech means communication of ideas: communication means preservation-tradition- and preservation means accumulation and progress. The emergence of the faculty of symbolling has resulted in the genesis of a new order of phenomena: an extra-somatic, cultural order. All civilizations are born of, and are perpetuated by, the use of symbols. A culture, or civilization, is but a particular kind and form which the biologic, life perpetuating activities of a particular animal, man, assume.
Human behavior is symbolic behavior: if it is not symbolic, it is not human. The infant of the genus Homo becomes a human being only as he is introduced into and participates in that order of phenomena which is culture. And the key to this world and the means of participation in it is- the symbol.”
I think that the truth is always coupled with what is fucked up about the world. The statement above is such a case. The symbol, representing and sending the message of how we as humans are supposed to exist, to maintain inequality in movement of belief through direction from without, is the very thing that separates us from nature. Yet this man is saying that this is what makes us human.
He is correct in saying that we are controlled by this use of symbol, and all its accumulations, that carry culture forward as directive. Mr. White elevates that which is the problem. We live in a society that places problems on a platform and idolizes them. We are insane.
And I am insane along with them. I am a human. I am insane. I am elevating problems in my mind in order to care for my own survival.
I no longer want to be human. ( always the choice of reaction- still human- I am knowledge and information that is realizing the destructive use of symbol/words and speaking as reaction)
No wanting. Just self/life/sound/equality/oneness, that which I am.
I release all “cloak” of symbols.
I release, eliminate, disengage from symbols, the symbols of my culture. I no longer allow symbols (objects of desire) to direct/determine/guide/lead/possess the awareness that is life, the awareness that is oneness in equality.
I no longer accept the charity of symbols/words to support the standing of my self/life/sound/oneness.
Isn’t it a leap to associate “biologic evolution with the mind of “humans” cloaked and blinded by symbols/words=culture?????”( this was taught in our universities. Science/anthropology is simply another religion.) Same old garment, some new thread. “Bling” is new thread.
I need to do forgiveness on “newness”.
Boy scouts; the collecting of patches/symbols, to build oneself a cloak= to blind oneself, to weigh oneself down, and -according to mr. anthropologist White- to make one human.
But , I vent, as a human. I am cloaking my self with a garment of being a woman wanting to survive within my mind. My patches are the pictures of what a woman is, and I am using symbols to direct me, as a symbol of a woman ( an object) towards sexual satisfaction and security.
And the “weight” of this is placing the life that is me within a smelly old tattered garment, suffocating/dampening/burying-and using for ignition/resource- that which is what is real, life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as a female symbol. to allow my self to be directed and cloaked by the symbol/words of a female, and within this allow thoughts/words/symbols in and as my mind/cloak to direct/guide/illuminate the movement and existence of my self as the choices available, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe the symbols placed in my mind through culture, which is a web of symbols that do not consider life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to follow the thoughts within the mind of judgment and wonder about the man I am with.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to compare men to men in my mind, as a construct of the female role wanting to fulfill the image/symbol/word in culture of what a woman is and has to do to survive as a symbol/image/word.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about the image/word/symbol that is projected as my self as a female.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts that are polarities between choices towards becoming the symbol/word/image of survival as a female.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to think about a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to compare men.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want my life to be easier financially in and as being a thought of this desire.
I am not these thoughts.
I am not the polarities of disgust and desire, of belief in financial need and the way towards this kind of support.
I am here
I am life
I am oneness in equality.