During a conversation with my sister today I decided to call my father.
In the conversation out came the words that perhaps the reason, that he believes that he reacts to me so intensely is caused by the chemistry between us, is that I can take it. I sad to him, perhaps you spew your anger all over me is because I can take it. Meaning, where this would devestate another, yet not me.
Why did these words come up. I remember thinking that this was merely an alternative way of looking at things, because what we believe is true is not always true, one simply has accepted a way of thinking and continues with it.
But why did I suddenly have this perspective ( which I almost did not speak for fear of seeming arrogant by possible perception of implication). And if this is true then this action of my father is a cry, so to speak, for help. Do I exhibit some ability to solve another’s problems? In reality I cannot, I am not responsible for the inner workings of another person. Do I send out some “vibe” of being someone that can help?
I remember my husband coming to me and asking for help, standing there with his rope. I was so angry at that moment that I asked him if he were going to leave me and the children and if that was his choice to go ahead and do what he needed to do. But this was one response of many in an effort to find the magic words. It was a moment of “tough” love, so to speak. But in a sense it was saying; “you are going to leave what is here because of something bothering you that is not here, like the elephant in your dream?”
In some way we are always looking around for an answer, for a way out of what we believe ourselves to be. We are looking for salvation, we are looking for answers.
Today I was in the library and noticed some men. I had a scenario come up in my mind of wanting them to notice me. I stopped this. Wow, this wanting of attention, this wanting of someone to come and maybe help one with whatever one believes one needs help with is always running in the mind. Honestly, I really don’t want someone to help me. It is so much more enjoyable to self discover the thing one thinks another can help with.
My mind needs to stop spinning this crap- so I can get on with it.