My last post is not here. I can’t find it…
I just came from my parents house. Walked in the door, about two hours later than planned because I was caught up at a farm, looking at cows and trucks. My father’s first words were, ” You are two hours late!” I had been asked if I would help with some things around the house and had said yes. I did not show up exactly about when I said I would. Did not rush from the farm because I knew there would still be daylight and time to complete the things asked by my parents to do.
I just looked at my father and said , that I was caught up at the farm and so the things I had to do for the day took longer than expected. He said, “It is a good thing you are not working for me or you would be fired”. The ire was beginning to rise, like an all consuming wave. I was angry. All the while I watched my anger, did manage to keep it from exploding completely. I replied ( which I am not supposed to do when my father does this, we are all- my sisters and I- supposed to swallow his anxiety and accept it, or my mother comes and says that she will have to take this. A real web of emotional interplay here. I am continually torn between taking it and saying no to it and have never resolved the issue) so, I replied that I did not work for him in an actually calm manner-it just came up and out. But the ire, the anger also came. That was it. His anger rose and he said he did not want me there, that I was to leave, that he did not want me there all week ( it is Thanksgiving week-big family get-together) , that I needed to go see my boyfriend ( the one who’s name he does not want to hear-like Valdimear). My father has been angry since I started dating this man ( I am presently 49) and cannot speak with me without his own ire surfacing. He wants me to find some “investment banker” in Boston.
And I am supposed to realize that he is an old man, for which I must accept what emotional storms he has because i might cause a heart attack. I am supposed to tiptoe around his beliefs and accept his wrath because he is old.
This web of behavior and the seeming “fine” balance that keeps everything moving as a family is what I am supposed to “endure”.
Honestly, I have no idea how I am supposed to approach this. Taking the criticism from my father seems ridiculous, watching the neurosis of a man and reacting to it seems ridiculous too.
My mother will come and ask me to accept what she accepts. I will have to say no.
But meanwhile, I was angry.
Perhaps, instead of responding I should have just gotten into my car and left, walked away from this that never seems to end. Anything else supports this. I have remained and just taken this behavior from him many times, like a good girl. Once it begins it does not stop. Many times, my mother has given me the look, or the “look” of accepted “understanding” has passed between us as women, as being women dealing with a man. This in itself is disgusting. Is this supposed to be a consolation? I have often accepted it as one. But it has done nothing to stop the wrath of my father when he believes things to not be “correct”.
I think my first memory of anger is about this. My first memory is of anger for my father.
I just cannot accept this.It is abusive, and allowing it is abusive to my self.
The only reason I have anything to do with him is because he is my father.
Just because he is my father.
And that is not a reason to accept abuse.