The continuing loop

Last night my dream was of me participating in a television game show, where I was reunited with my children after years of being separated. In the beginning of the show I told my story of two men that had been in my life, the loss of these men and the estrangement from my children because of these men….

I woke up and thought, “here I go again!”

What had I been thinking of the night before? This man I am seeing. This man that I am so addicted to, that in intimacy I feel so close to.

But i have noticed that when I am feeling anxious about financial decisions that I have to make in my life, and pressures about financial situations that are in my life I become more “needy” . I want to escape into the oblivion that I find in the arms of this man. And right now the pressure and outcome of my interactions with my in-laws and paying for college for two children is enough to cause a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I walk with a mantra going off in my head, ” this can be done, I can juggle this and that, I can find a way, I can sell my violin, I will figure this out, somehow, I have walked through many things that are similar to this, there is a way” With this going on, it is no wonder I seek a place where I am not confronted with worry. And it always takes time for me to remember this because I get so caught up in the desire for escape that I forget what it is that is causing the desire for escape.

But, this is not as consuming as it once was. Am I just objectifying the subject, is this the point one arrives at where one is able to more readily forgive oneself, a shortening of the space in realizing how one exists as energy? I can “catch it sooner”, I can go into breathing sooner, I can stop the thing in my back sooner. Does the process of forgiveness begin to move exponentially? Or does one sometimes make progress and then reach a plateau.

There feels like a rod goes down the middle of me and along the inside of my legs/self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about money. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about finances. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I do not have control. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want control. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that there is nothing I can do about my present financial situation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not having enough money. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not being able to leave my children a small financial base to survive with. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not being able to pay for college. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear a lack of money. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have lead my son to believe that he even needs college, because actually he has had a lot of direction in his subject, enough to find his way, should he use his will. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear selling my house and moving away. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not want to move to a strange place because I won’t know anyone. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not want to sell my house to use the equity for college. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not want to move because people are robots and at least here the illusion of my family’s name protects me somewhat. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing all alone as my self.

I know from experience that most of the time the idea of something is scarier that what actually fucking happens! The actual movement through whatever seems scary is not scary at all, one just simply does it.

My own fears and desires are being posted on a constructed wall, reflecting back to me a movie that I am allowing to consume me, a movie of emotion and belief. As above so below. I am Hollywood in my mind, what are you in yours?

In my mind I am allowing a movie to consume me, a system movie. I am not this movie. I am not the limits suggested in the dramatic effects of a television game show, no one is pulling on my heart strings. The possibility of sound is vast as I sound my self. I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the limitation of expression inherent in the avenues of emotion and belief presented to me by my mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see only the projection on the wall that is my mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear/see limited ways towards solution. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to direct my self through the beliefs and ideas of the mind. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to watch movies in and as my mind that present limited avenues of movement. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to contract into limited selections of beliefs and ideas that are not of my own direction in the moment as myself as sound as all as one as equal. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to dismember the principle of equality.

I am equality, I am here, I am sound. I am life. The movies of my mind stop here. The wall that is my mind I deconstruct through forgiveness.

I am thankful for life. I am thankful that I am here. I am thankful for this opportunity.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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