Thoughts-energy-playing out
I have been thinking about a time in Switzerland when I was at a gathering for the kindergarden that my sons attended. At this party I felt distant and rejected, as though I did not belong, as though the people there did not want to interact with me, as though I did not have the capacity to connect with these people because there was something wrong with me. I remember feeling that my husband was even wishing i was not there., because he sensed that I was socially awkward.
This was all in my mind and it has come up because i thought I was going to have to see my father today for my son’s birthday and because recently I had a problem with my car and I was being attacked by my father because he did not want to help me ( I did not ask for help from him, nor suggested help- but he gets upset because he feels he has to help but he does not have to help and i don’t expect this). My father suggested that I should have my boyfriend there to take care of me, which aggravated me because he does not even want to hear about my boyfriend! To tie all this in together, the memory of myself believing that I am socially awkward and therefor missing something, missing some understanding ( crying when I should laugh, laughing when I should cry – which is what my father would say to me) has all come up because of the sudden problem with my car ( my parents have NEVER let me drive their car- even though I have only had one small dent in the first car I ever drove!- and I accept this and expect this, so I never ask) . And then a friend from the past, with whom I have kept in touch for a long time called and heard the story ( because he said he heard something in my voice, so I told him the story and he got mad and said that yes my boyfriend should help, to which I said I did not want to ask, did not want to accept. Realized this whole situation was unnecessary. ) Meanwhile, the car supposedly malfunctioned because my son started the car many times to try and learn how to put the car into first gear, and I am just going to accept this and not allow my self to believe that my son is a problem) ugh!
So, back to this memory that has popped up. I am feeling that belief that I have of myself being unwanted, awkward, not “getting something” I am supposed to be around people. I still have no fucking idea. Because there is no idea. There is no “way” one is supposed to be. My father simply was annoyed by me because of himself. He was also annoyed that he could not reach me-which is exactly how I feel about Willy, my son, sometimes. When something happens that I thought could have been avoided ( before I stopped judging and accepted what came-as much as I could) I am more frustrated that I had not somehow shown my son how to be aware!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am unwanted because my boyfriend did not step up and offer to drive me to Boston on Sunday. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I don’t understand something because my father is annoyed and wants to help but does not want to help and therefor finally admits the existence of a man in my life whose name he would not mention and annoyingly/exasperatingly questions why this man does not help me, to which I feel guilt. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be annoyed with my father, to react to the emotions of my father. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sorry for my self because every one with whom I interact at the moment is trying to be helpful but only avoiding offering help that I have not asked for. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to project a persona that suggests I need help. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that my car is broken because I believe that my son causes problems in his pot smoking haze/teenager escaping reality “ness”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sorry for my self I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to once again loop into self pity every time I have problems I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be addicted to self pity. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to take on the emotional construct of behavior as that of my mother whereby I feel that the world is a source of woe and sadness because nothing is “right”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the world is sad and one can only feel pity. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am socially awkward. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the world is sad. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fall into a feeling of self pity whereby I then imagine creative solutions and find a way through the problem.I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am socially awkward. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to read into my father’s reactions towards me as rejection. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that my father has rejected me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad because I believe that my father has rejected me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want energetic sympathy from my father. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want sympathy from men. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the idea that sympathy from men means that I am accepted by them. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to move within the polarity of sympathy and rejection from men, for the desire for sympathy and the fear of rejection and feeling awkward should I not be sympathetic. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow a polarity design of rejection and sympathy, whereby i fear rejection and crave sympathetic response from men. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to the sympathy/rejection polarity by recklessly throwing everything away and choosing to do my own thing because i really don’t want to deal with men anymore, which means I don’t want to deal with my fear and sympathy.
Once men are sympathetic I reject them. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to then be disgusted when I actually receive sympathy from them. ( what a fucking LOOP) FUCK! This WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE!
I know this so why do I get these bouts of the same feeling? Because I have to deal with my father and I allow that to trigger this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to loop within fear of rejection and desire for sympathy which I then react to as I loop back into the belief that I am not worth accepting, then seeking acceptance through sympathy. I am a LP.
I need the sound of principle as my constant. I stop the loop and step into the principle of life as all as one as equal. I am here, I am life. I forgive my emotions, thoughts and feelings that are not me, that I have allowed and accepted.
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