The mind as “above”

Practicing is really annoying because I can watch the thoughts running through my mind as I play, as though something else is playing while my mind  continues its own dialogue.

For example; I am playing away and I suddenly realize that I am imagining some person from the past, a local person from the present, or another musician watching me in performance agreeing to and enjoying the music. I realize that I have visions of fame, or a constant need for validation, a need to be recognized.

I will never really live if I am this, I will never really enjoy what I am doing if I am this. In wanting to be life, this “dream” of the mind is simply a hinderance. So, I have a lot of forgiveness to do on this point because it is still here, this dialogue of pictures in my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear simply standing as myself while I play. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being vulnerable in being myself no matter what the perception by others. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being vulnerable. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to support myself through images of the mind to drive me to perform in order to receive substantiation through emotional response. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire validation and acknowledgement for accomplishment. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being seen as vulnerable. I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to fear being taken advantage of should I become vulnerable. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the sensitivity of my self being exposed as I make myself vulnerable, fear that I will not be able to stop the intimacy inherent in vulnerability from threat because I was raised to believe that making oneself vulnerable means one is open to being used by others. I forgive myself for not realizing that becoming vulnerable does not mean that I am exposed and must accept abuse. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear I cannot handle exposure of myself. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I must hide my vulnerability. I forgive my self that I have allowed my self to have the idea that being vulnerable is dangerous. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the idea that being vulnerable means one allows and opens oneself to abuse. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that being vulnerable is dangerous. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my mind to have thoughts and images through the imagining of men I have known and know accepting and enjoying my musical performance. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my mind to “dream” while I practice. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have developed an exterior critic, in and as images in my mind, to gage how I am playing. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting images of men accepting my playing in and as my mind, while I practice, as a form of validation and “monitoring” of my sound and expression on the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to judge my playing by what my father would say about the playing. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to date a man who voices his judgment and criticism readily because I have gaged self criticism by the values instilled in me from my father who has the ability to remember vast amount of data and can criticize every nuance of a performance from the historical interpretation of a piece to the emotional manner in which the piece is performed, the stance of the emotion, be it romantic or existential in style. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have images of men , whereby I become the men and judge my own performance and production of sound in and as the critical ability of what I have learned from my father. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have a mind that focuses on criticism instead of simply being present and vulnerable. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my mind to continually criticize and judge every single motion and interpretation of what I produce on the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to need my father’s acceptance of what I interpret in the music I play. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to be accepted by the mind construct of my father role. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not accept my self. I forgive myself to exist as the polarity of believing my self to be good or bad on the violin, to be good or bad in the movement of myself in every moment instead of becoming stable as myself, standing as my self, vulnerable as exposed without fear of abuse from desire or rejection.

I am here. I am life.I am self. I am not my mind. I am not the dialogue of my mind. I am here. I do not require validation. I do not separate from my self into my mind in imagination for value support. I am here as life as all as one as equal.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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2 Responses to The mind as “above”

  1. O says:

    Don’t be that harsh with yourself … I’m an violinist myself and therefore know this constant ‘inner critic’ very well. It’s there in every serious artist I know: musicians, writers or painters. Also this image of ‘fame’ or ‘dreamlike’ vision of being famous and or of somehow feeling ‘approved’ by others sounds very familiar. It’s part of being a performer, because to perfom means to interact with other people. But to pay attention to their ‘approval’ must not necessarily mean that one neglects music’s deeper meaning. It’s there whenever you play, simply because you PLAY the music. Music can’t exist without being played (that distinguishes it from other art forms; it is – as e.g. already Kant underlined – the most ‘transitional’ of the arts). –
    Why do you do this ‘self-forgiveness’? It’s good to be aware of certain mental patterns to make sure that they don’t do destructive work in your subconsciousness. But in my opinion this act of ‘self-forgiveness’ is destructive in itself because it requires – at the same token – that you’re constantly accusing yourself. And it somehow strengthens this act of ‘self-accusition’. You need to ‘accuse’ yourself before you can ‘forgive’ yourself. Why don’t you try to simply acknowledge certain (very human) weaknesses, make them part of your awareness, but don’t make them part of a destructive ‘guilt-system’! You ARE the dialogue of your mind (in my humble opinion) – but you are also more than that. But I doubt that you’ll get in touch with this part of yourself if you try to ‘cut off’ your mind and its dialogue. Your mind’s dialogue is a part of yourself, of your personality and your personal history (which doesn’t mean that it is completely ‘authentic’ – it’s of course influenced and coined by others, events, circumstances and so on). But to cut it off by saying “I am not my mind” would mean to simply ignore a vital part of your personality. I’d rather suggest to accept it, or even embrace it. Especially the latter might be difficult or even painful – but your thoughts are you; at least to a certain amount. And what I read between your lines is that you want to find yourself; and eventually ‘play’ yourself on the violin. Go ahead – but with your mind and it’s sometimes painful internal dialogues.
    Wishing you all the best.

    • hello wsdfg,
      Thanks for the post. Yes, the dialogue of the mind exists but I am trying to stop the mind. One might look at this as being life
      and in this I want all that I am to be expressing myself while I play instead of allowing my self to be refractions of the mind ( so to speak).

      If my mind is running as a critic, then what is playing the violin? Awareness? Is awareness actually separate from the mechanics of the mind that
      loop endlessly? If playing is awareness and not the mind then the mind can stop, it is not necessary.
      It is like the mind is a record player. Record players need a resource of energy to run. That resource is my self. So that part of me that is the “mind critic” is
      using my self as a resource. Then I become tired etc.. I want the mind to stop and my self to be the source of me, because my “self ” is awareness, my self to the player of the violin without the mind.
      There is more to the forgiveness than I have explained above. The mind is made dimensionally from sound in and as contructs of words, all energy ( that requires resource) that separates one into energetic polarities ( energy manifests as polarities) that are of thoughts. emotions. feelings, ideas,opinions, beliefs
      images and pictures, separates one from one’s self, separates one’s self from awareness as life.
      WE have been taught what you have said, that the critic of the mind is what guides us: it is your “self” that guides you, because your “self” is what is aware, not your mind. The mind is just your beliefs looping in circles of judgement, creating more of the same, as energy, that is being sent out into the world.
      In stopping the construct that is the mind, that separates my self from life, as awareness, as all as one as equal, I will no longer separate my self into feeding a mind system of beliefs and ideas and images that are of judgement and not of awareness of life.
      What I have discovered in this process is that the mind is what stops one, that the critic that is the voice of the mind is the limitation.
      I found a group of people that explain this really well.
      The forgiveness, in writing and speaking it out, is my self stopping the mind, so that I become awareness, which is life. In this stopping of the mind, life can step forth here on earth; life being total equality. Where every single person and thing on this planet can express themselves as you do when you play the violin. Where every single thing on this planet has the opportunity to express themselves as you can because of your opportunities.
      Thanks for responding, I really appreciate this.
      To read more about what I am doing here go to http://desteni.co.za/
      Rebecca

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