I have been dealing with this for awhile, this polarity of leading and following, submitting and rejecting. I have said of my self , that when I play with group I can either lead of follow. This is needed when one plays music in a group. One must, especially in a small chamber group, give up one’s idea of a sound to enable the resonance of the sound to mesh and work as a uniform projected sound that is easily heard, that is clear. So, in playing with a larger group, I have lead, where I have to be certain with the music and project this certainty, or follow the leader and “mesh with the music though the leader. This has not been difficult, unless the leader is not leading, then sometimes one leads from the back. But i have also played with group where no one is leading and the section somehow does not come together, seems to struggle to find stability, and only succeeds in remaining in uncertainty. At times it has seemed that no matter how hard one tries, or no matter how hard I have tried to find a point of stability when in a section that can’t find stability, I can’t find the stability; as though there is chaos blocking my ability to see. Very frustrating and unnerving when having to perform. But this has happened. It has really humbled me to realize that I am so effected by what is around me. ( Perhaps what happens when a group cannot stabilize as they play is that there are too many leaders. too many doing exactly what I am doing within my self in this scenario- trying to stabilize and lead).
Anyway, I relate this “follow-lead” scenario to sex. I have also thought about my astrology chart ( which I know a lot about because I found the descriptions of character fascinating in the astrology books, and how the patterns worked through the houses, how could everything be mapped out?). In my chart I am “attracted” to “manly men”, men who are the role of the man in all it’s glory. The male being masculine. I always wondered about this and thought that this is not true of me. But I was looking at exaggerations of this scenario; like the classic role of what we call a “red-neck” patriarch, in the society in which I live. I was not attracted to this role. My upbringing was not in this energetic “vibe” exactly.
But the men I have known tend to be direct sexually. Not “brutal”, but direct. They know they want sex and they direct themselves with confidence. they like the simple “in and out” and they like the female body and they enjoy it without too many hangups. They are secure sexually ( so to speak) without being perverted ( in perversion, I mean they are not into kinky extreme , toy gadgets, clothing,etc. sex) But they are dominant and certain. So, I realize that I respond to this, so my astro. chart is correct, I like a man who is secure and able to take certain direction sexually. I respond to man who leads with his sexuality and I find it a turn on to submit; even though I do not go searching for this all over the place, I wait for it to come and then I respond because actually there are not too many men out there that are secure in this in a non perverted way.
So this has been consuming me and , though this “bullet” of energy continues to sweep up through the center of me, even if I think about the man I am with now, I am somehow getting a handle on it. It is not so extremely overwhelming, but it still exists. Any thought of this man ( not just any man- which signifies other emotional attachments?) and how he takes direction is a complete turn-on and it comes up every fucking day. In naming this I came across the word subjugation today and spoke some forgiveness about this. Only small movement, but more desire than release. As though even the idea of this is a turn on!
Why am I here writing this? Why did I start with the group performing scenario? Why did I then move into the this desire in me?
I find it hard to trust myself with some things I think.
I don’t really remember desiring, or dreaming about wanting this from a man for the years I stayed alone. I don’t remember feeling this before. Is this me being the member of the “section” so to speak and following the section leader? Am I subjugating my self to this man in allowing his desires to create what I am “locked into”? Or was this there, simply sublimated? Am I following him? I have received images in my mind and asked him if he had them too, or if the image is his favorite “visually” stimulating thing and he has said yes.
Why do I keep going with this? The practical solution to stop does not satisfy me. I am driven by something else. I actually think that I want to stand through this. I want to, like being stuck in a section of string players where no stability as myself seems to be possible, figure out how to stand as my self and be stable, because if I can’t do this here, right here, with what is here then no SRA course or income plan participation will do this for me.
Perhaps I am pushing too hard. Perhaps I am stubborn. But I think this is why I keep going with this. LIke seeing that there was something at the end of the tunnel with my husband, not understanding or seeing clearly, but walking right into the fire anyway.
Is this recklessness as well?