I walking my dog in the woods today, finding mushrooms, noticing colors and berries that are clustered on the bushes, revealing them selves as the fall has brought the time when leaves are dropped and berries ripen. And I am thinking. “I will have to tell so and so about the color of the berries”, “I will have to tell sos and so about the mushrooms, the perfect mushrooms I found”. And I stop. I am my mind associating every fucking move I make to relationships, to validation, constantly and continuously.
I am not there in the woods, I am in my mind pretending to include what is not there, creating topics of conversation with the people I relate to. I am not in the woods. One of the things one learns is to interact with people, to be inclusive ( a BIG catch word today). One is taught to continually think of others; one is taught to constantly make associations. People that are good at associating can make a really good life for themselves working in “think tanks”. There more associations one can make the more “intellectual” one is. Not only that, people associate every topic to what is in their own minds, strings of thought maneuver conversation towards what is the “mind” concern of the individual. Therefor, the mind works by association. The saying, “people always talk about their hang ups, and if one listens a person will reveal their hang up in a matter of seconds” reveals the movement of the mind as that of making associations.
The more skillful one is at this, the more one succeeds. I mean, just look at our politicians!
I think of Herman Hesse’s “Glass Bead Game” novel. And I think of “The Celestine Prophecy”. Herman Hesse was trying to describe what we value ( and in this saying that what we value is of no value) the other pulls one along emotionally, the story seems to answer the exact question one has in mind as one has the question.
So, though I was in the woods today, I was not in the woods, I was in my mind.
As I walked I started forgiveness and breathed.
Why am I making these associations, why am I wanting to tell someone about something I see? Why am I wanting to “share”? ( I noticed I believed my self to be good because I was wanting to share what I was seeing and finding…. I am sooo fucking GOOD!, I bet I will get a badge for goodness when I get to heaven)
What did I miss in the forest today as I wanted to share, in and as my mind? The associations to the “berries” I have been told to see. I have been told to see how pretty the berries look by photographs/images/people. I can even name the berries ( another badge). So, what did I miss? I’ll never know because I was in my mind.
Why do I do this? As suggested before, I want to share, want to interact, want to constantly validate that I exist; my mind wants to validate its existence by continuing its movement, so it associates because it can’t really be the berries, or the mushrooms. And I as the mind do not exist unless I am making connections to what is in my life. I must, as my mind, continually associate, so I think about telling my relations about what I see, to validate. So, association is the equivalent of the mind validating itself, constant strings of energy keeping the web that is the mind constructed.
This is not awareness, this is not sound, this is not life. This is a string, this is probably why I don’t like to read anymore. I am making so many associations that I can no longer see what is being said. I am on mind overload.
But this might help one take something in as life instead of as knowledge and information. I was always trying to slow down the act of reading but what needs to slow down, I mean STOP, is the mind. This is what I have to do as I walk in the woods. ( I know this but discovering how to APPLY this as understanding are two different things)
I am breathing and I am here. No association, no validation. no “tion”.