Since I am doing forgiveness alone without the support of the structural alignment course for now, I keep plugging along with forgiveness and reading posts and rereading articles and trying to understand what is what. What is personality, what are emotions, thoughts ideas, the mind etc..
So, I have done a lot of forgiveness. I have notebooks and notebooks of forgiveness. Pages of forgiveness in my computer that went blank last winter/spring.
It has taken a long time to remember breath. It has taken a long time to even be able to watch my mind and my emotions and feelings.
This morning I woke up and sat on the kitchen steps and just told my mind to stop. Complete blackness that I could hold. All that was was blackness and breath. Is this what I hold ? Is this how I remain and start to move in?
Anyway, now I have a headache. A new kind of headache. Used to be in the back top of my head, then in the front and now in the lower back.
And there is this sense of “space”, “numbness”, “shock”, ?????
All my reactions and thought seem tiny, small, like they pass by but don’t consume.
I watched myself as I practiced today. It is like there is blackness, with some of the stupid images of me supporting my self as a player with imagining people liking my playing, but I could stop them. As though one is in a really spatial place, like moving on water in a boat where the horizon changes quickly as the distance is displaced by the slightest movement. Like the walls of imagery can be manipulated, removed, but the sense of the blackness remains.
Ok, my head feels a little better.
Am I doing this correctly? I don’t trust myself.
I also have to work on joining the group more. I have never joined a group. Joining a group as principle and not as function. Always joined groups to function, ie. orchestra, mother club, swim team. work.
AM wondering if this “blackness” is simply object fear, or is it abject fear?
But as I write this my back feels clear, as though a wind passes through it, the same “spatial” feeling as I tried to describe above.
Also today when I practiced from a point of the “blackness”feeling incredible warmth spread through my head. It was like practicing with a warmth in the head that was pleasant.
Where am I????