I just had a rehearsal. To be able to recognize movement within as I am performing with others is so strange. I couldn’t even do this before! I was getting annoyed with a player and the thoughts started, ” they have not even looked at their part!”, and I stopped, moved back into just being here, as I think I know how to be here. I also did this when I had to play parallel octaves, I could not see them, hear them. I am not playing them as being them, which is why I can’t hear them. There is resistance towards them ( they are hard to play in tune)…..see!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear playing parallel octaves. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not be here when I have to play parallel octaves.
Last night I realized how much all the pictures in my head were of the mind. Even the movies. I knew this as knowledge before but had not realized this. I ask myself what is the point of these movies?
I also realize that the absence of the weight of judgement is so much more productive.
How could we live this way? How could we do this? How could we not realize that all ego is so self abusive, the wanting, the needing….
And I am probably still this. UGH!
So, when a player was miscounting, we just played the part again and again, until it was understood, without any acknowledgement that it had been counted incorrectly. The principle was to simply see this. Normally, I would have become so aggravated by the process. ( I guess I am in a small, very small way, but it is there. ) I would have been indignant that this person talked and talked and insisted that they were counting correctly, and even when they changed their counting and insisted that they had always done it this way, I would have been so ticked off that so much time was spent covering and not admitting.)
But i have done this too. I have not wanted to admit I was not counting correctly.
Anyway, the judgements were coming up, and I could notice them in a way that I had not before, in a way where they did not consume me.
I am still numb from this. It is like a shock.
I am in shock. I am embarrassed. And I don’t know if I am strong enough to hold this. I have to become aware of this enough to stand up.
I am scared. I am not scared. I am here.
My back is not hurting.
My head is not so foggy/heavy.
I want to cry and laugh at the same time.
How could we do this?
I am also afraid to face the realization of what else I don’t realize.