My second violinist is showing signs of backing out. I can see him in rehearsals struggling, he also struggled in the concert. Like my husband aged rapidly in the end, I see this person aging. I have always hated seeing dogs age, just don’t think it makes sense.
Right now I have a lot of things suddenly accumulating. My second violin is not working, my relatives lawyers are pushing the same thing again and again and treating me like I “just don’t get it”, everyone is interested in my building of a passive solar house heating box- but not interested in building the thing with me-wanting success but not participating in the process towards possible failure ( how the fuck do you learn!) and I remember not taking a job offer of running a turoring office because I didn’t want to talk to parents whining about their kids for 15$ an hour. How are these seemingly random things related. All these emotions are building, emotions of fear and pity. And I am becoming one of those parents calling the tutor to vent, I am wanting to vent my emotion.
This is not the solution. I must forgive this. I notice when emotions build I want to talk to someone, which means I want to vent to someone. I want to be what I did not want done to me.
This emotion I am allowing within my self I do not want. As the character Holly Hunter says in the movies ” As Good As It Gets”, “who needs these feelings?”. In the context of the movie, her feelings of self pity and frustration are pointless. As are mine.
Losing the second violinist will mean I will have to hold the group, unless I go out on my own, like I did this summer on the street. I can’t be afraid of the lawyer outcome. And the solar box I can do myself. I have to tell myself that if I want to drill holes in my house I can, because it is my house. Sometimes I have to fight out loud to break my indoctrination and thoughts of what people might say. “Fuck you , fuck you” is what I say to myself as I do something that is opposed and questioned by others, as though the “fuck you” disperses the fears.
But I am not moving now, today. Somehow doing domestic work gets me moving sometimes.
The heaviness of all this emotion is causing me to drag my feet.
It is time to stop and just be breath, to slow down and create some space around this emotion, so that forgiving is not anxious reaction but clear realization, steady and stable.
Funny, I said this and then this feeling of excitement about the possible outcomes comes up. So what if I lose the violinist etc.. It will mean a new endeavor. The polarity. I just switched from sadness to excitement. This is not self, this is not sound, this is a roller coaster in energy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as the polarity of despair and self pity in a belief that I am not going to succeed, that things are not staying the same and that this means I am losing and the idea/belief/ emotion of excitement that I can find solutions and deal with the change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be the feeling of self pity and belief that everything is falling apart, to which I respond with excitement that the changes will bring opportunity and are a good thing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see change as opportunity. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to support my self through the belief that change brings opportunity, which is a thought/idea/belief. I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to be the polarity of loss and gain. I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to exist as the belief/idea/opinion/feeling/emotion that are of the polarity of belief in loss countered by the belief in possible gain.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting energetic constructs of thought that are of belief/opinion/idea, occurring as polarities to present emotions of fear of loss and hope of gain.
I am here. I am sound, I stand here in this moment as my self in breath without hope of outcome or fear of change. I am not my emotions, I am not ego, I am not thought. I am self.