ANGER

Today, I have another stagnant image in my head. Why I remember this suddenly! I was about 12 years old, maybe 14. Hard to say, I was small, didn’t begin to develop breasts until I was 16, so it was before I was 16. I was standing with my family on a college campus, looking for the entrance to a concert hall. It was very cold and very windy; a night in February in New York State. All I remember is the wind blowing cold and hard as I stood waiting. I turned and watched one of my movies go off ( in my head). I saw a woman and a man walking down the covered walkway that was the actual walkway in front of me, but in the picture I watched it was warmer weather and daytime. Years later I remembered this occurrence, and realized that I saw my self attending this college when I was there on the campus years before. What is interesting here with this movie is that I had no emotion about it, I watched, just watched as the girl. Other times when this has happened I was emotional and then this would twist what was going on.

Today, I have thoughts about the lawyers I am going to have to deal with. Anger, really black anger, and it is like a movie in my head, an emotional movie. I watch the emotion of believing my self to have lost the battle. So, I think the memory of an earlier movie is just another mind thing, as is what I am experiencing now. My mind is ego, not wanting to lose in this game I play with my relative.

This anger/ego is so unprincipled and so ugly, only cares about winning.

AT times I have played the violin without fear and flowed with the music and noticed that I had no thought.

At times I have moved as principle and remained calm in the holding of this, even though I did not realize that this was what I was specifically doing.

I can hold my self through this. No expectations.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to win, to desire to not be forced into signing papers that give the control of what belongs of me to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I will lose a great deal should I sign these papers.

I forgive myself for allowing and acce[ting my self to be disgusted with my sister for not wanting to help me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel disempowered because I am up against lawyers. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to calculate the actions of the lawyers and my relatives. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have anger towards my relatives for not realizing that I am juggling money in such a way to allow a roof to be over the heads of my children. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel self pity in the belief that not one of my relatives is noting that I have been taking care of my children without their help. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to ask the question in my head of why is there not “fairness” here, why am I being treated like some greedy person that is trying to take something away from my in-laws. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry with my mother because she is judging me as having no morality. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this awe full emotion of anger at how the present systems function. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I need not participate in this awe full system, that I will not lose anything. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that What belonged to my husband will never reach my children.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the petty thought that while my brother-in-law sends out calenders of his grand three week vacations I and the boys have not had a vacation in YEARS.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to compare my life with those around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be numb to this situation in a belief that I can do nothing, or that I can not follow the actions that are believed I will follow. I cannot be reactive in purposely doing what I believe they do not expect.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anger towards injustice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe  that I am going to lose. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that there is something to lose. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am going to lose and then to justify this by thinking that the glass is half full and I will no longer have to deal with these people, and will not longer have to send money to them, therefor I should look at the good side.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need to look at the good side. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting any and all thought about this one way or the other. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to give up. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am fighting a losing battle. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to project an outcome.

I am not walking in expectation, I am not walking as desire, I am not walking as anger, I am not walking as “giving up” I am not walking as fear of loss

I am breath, I am here.

 

 

 

 

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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