Last night I went to a dance performance. I had to breath through the whole performance to keep my mind from judging, to keep my self from criticizing the performers. To keep my self there, as in here, watching what was physically happening, to stop my self, as my mind, from expectation, and from noticing when a dancer was out of step etc.
I was also watching my self, or my back was forcing me to watch my self. I breathed. In watching without judgement the dance was beautiful, it was simply beautiful to watch the dancers, the bodies move. The actually physical body moving in dance. When I was here, just watching the dancers move their bodies, my back did not hurt, my mind was not so much of a fuzz. I breathed and stopped and watched. It is as though I stood on a divide between my self as mind, and my self as not thinking at all.
Now, this morning I have to again work at stopping the mind. I have lawyers and relatives wanting me to sign papers. It is a classic situation of family and greed. The final word is that my mother- in-law”s house will have to be sold. I will financially lose if I sign these papers. I have paid lawyers to deal with this, but it is hard when one tries to stop something and the other side comes back again and again with the same thing. I don’t have the means to hire another lawyer. My sister, who is a lawyer and lives in the very european city where the dealings are taking place, is not talking to me or my sisters. She has the means to help but will not have anything to do with me and my sisters. She has been this way since the rich man she met told her he would not marry her. She is now a CEO and does not have time for this. It is like I have so much, yet so little. It is a stew of greed and anger. A storm.
Feeling sorry for my self is stupid. Feeling like someone is supposed to help me is stupid. Worrying about having the money pay off my mortgage is stupid. Hearing the “should of”s that my parents are going to hand to me in words, that are not even here, is stupid.
So, I decided that I would not sign the papers and say that the hosue should be sold. This means that my mother-in-law will have to leave her house. My mother is appalled, she believes I have lost all morality.
So many times I wanted to sign the papers and let it go. Just to rid myself of this whole scenario. Losing the money is worth this. What stops me is that this is how the world works and if I just keep going perhaps what was my husbands would eventually go to my children. I juggled to keep a roof over the boy’s heads. Now the game of juggling is getting intense.
What has had a year and a half to resolve now has two weeks. Like watching the dancers, I must breath. This time it is not the judging that, as the mind, I must stop ( so to speak- because this does involve judging), but the morality that has been taught to me, and any expectation or desire to have the money this whole scenario entails. Breath and know that I can take care of my self without this, should this come to pass and not allow guilt associated with morality be the movement of my self.
What matters is that I move through this as life and not as energetic constructs of judgment and morality. that I don’t “pole” myself, that I remain stable as life as all as one as equal, that I stand as sound, of sound mind, in sound mind, here, in breath, breathing, that I forgive and get life, here. I am here. Then will I see the dance that is life, the expression that is life, the sound that is life.