I helped my brother bring in his boat today. It was cold, grey, and even rained. Out on the sea, so quiet. I sat in the boat and breathed in the silence, the sky, the clouds. This numbness, this breathing that I have to keep going or my back hurts, I cannot judge. or become anxious with. I will expand this and accept this expansion even if it means I move at the pace of a snail.
Having disciplined my self ( which took years to learn), I know what is not seen in this moment will be seen in the next. The moments as all as one have to be seen, my back is the constriction, is the stopping of this.
I have said this before, so I am repeating my self, the mind in replay.
When I practice now I try to hold, allow, accept awareness. I am actually trying to do this 24/7. It is something like holding a bird. I once wrapped a wild, and very large bird, that was on the beach in a blanket, to take to a rescue league because some boys were throwing stones at the bird. I had no idea how strong such a creature was! As I held the bird in the car, within the blanket, I had to maintain a steady , but unfearful pressure, because I did not want to hurt this probably terrified bird. I had to focus on a “steady” holding, a willful holding, that contained but did not smother. I remember thinking this the whole way to the rescue place. I had moments of doubt, moments of fear that I did not have the strength, but I had to remain constant and unanxiously firm. There was no other choice. Now I do this with myself.
So, as I sailed on the water, in the quiet, I held myself steady. I have a lot of resistance. But this is really assistance towards finding life. One step at a time.