Stopping at happiness

In watching people through my life I have thought that people seem, sometimes, to have stopped within themselves, in terms of how they dress, present themselves, interact, at a time when they were happy, before they faced an awareness of fear or disappointment about how the world is. Instead of facing a realization that demands a difficult direction, they simply stop and remain in an innocence that was their happiness.

The stopping of awareness because of the demand of awareness to stand up, to step beyond the belief and mantra that “things are the way they are, that there is nothing one can do about it”. To pick up a stray dog, to step on the brakes or swerve when an animal is on the road, to tell a group that if they are waiting for someone else to write a letter to a senator then that about which they complain has no power, etc. the list can go on and on.

How have I done this?

What is coming up in my head here, why have I written this? I just went on philosophically and realized that I couldn’t put the words together! Another thought was in my head! It was about men. It is about relationship to a man.

I was happy with my husband, or believed myself to be happy. It is as though I want to go back to that. Is this my stopping point? A stopping point? A memory that I want to re-live, a “make believe” ( quite literally! ) place where supposed “happiness ” existed?

I was happy in many moments but I also felt extremely trapped. I remember being tired every day in the afternoon. I remember dragging myself at that time of day, believing I was doing what I was supposed to do, and being happy to see my husband, but wondering why this heaviness was so prevalent, why I felt like I felt trapped, why I felt like I wasn’t moving. because I wasn’t moving. I was stuck within a role of my own choosing. And I believed my self to be happy. I was in  “make believe” land.

So, stopping in a role of innocence, of happiness, is making belief. See how creative we can be! Our powers are incredible! ( note; this is said with extreme sarcasm)

So, instead of realizing and accepting that I enjoyed my husband and that I did not need to play a role to have this enjoyment is another subject. To stay on topic here, to realize that I continue to have this “make believe” idea that happiness is the ideal of a man and a woman  living in compatibility, and that this is a goal, is simplistic and limited. It is finite, it is a picture. It is the carrot in front of myself the donkey.

A “make believe” desire, I am transfixed by a picture, a stagnant image that is flat, one dimensional and made up of an idea/belief.

I suppose one cannot breath in a flat photographic image, and one would feel trapped, as I did, allowing a very limited speck of happiness. I justify with a speck of happiness, and pace in restlessness.

I turn “make believe” into a “life vest”.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to “make believe”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I want to exist as what I believe was a period of happiness in my life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to become a belief that I have allowed and accepted as the goal of a women, as my self being a woman.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see an image of what happiness is.

I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to cling to an idea of happiness, an idea that is of a system, that is limited and stagnant, that does not breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be the belief that a role is all the possibility that exist.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be stuck on a belief, to be stuck in my mind, as an image for direction of my self instead of realizing my self as life, as sound movement as all as one as everything.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting an image of my self being a woman with a man.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting an image of my self with a man as a completion point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to fullfil this stagnant image, that is a “make believe” picture in and as my mind, limited and stagnant instead of being here as life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to judge how my self should exist through imagery

I forgive myself for limiting my self to one picture

I forgive myself to want the support of a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the desire for attention of a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the desire for entertainment from a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I need the entertainment of a man. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the belief that a man can make me happy. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that fulfilling a role can make me happy. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to seek happiness. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as a definition that has been placed before me by a system as the goal of what I am to be and believe.

I am here I am Life I am self I am not a make believe image I am not my thoughts, my emotions, the images that are my mind.

I eliminate, disengage and delete all images of “made belief”

I am not the anxiousness of believing I need to fulfill a role.

I am required to fulfill the make believe image that is my mind.

I am my self

I let the “make believe” go, I step out and I breath, here.

I turn from the “make believe” and I stand here.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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