Today I feel so numb.
After the last post, where experienced such fear within my self, I noticed something as intensely “dark” today while practicing. Like a persona of angry criticism. Directed towards my self, towards what it means to play. After reading a blog, where the writer describes receiving what she had given to her surroundings after a change had occurred in her life, I thought, ” I wonder if this dark critical anger is what I allowed to be given to me growing up playing the violin. I was always being criticized, always being yelled at. Even in college, I was yelled at.
It reminded me of what I felt before the death of my husband. The day before it seemed like there was an ominous presence in the apartment. ( Imagine the shock when I read about “ominous presence” in a Desteni presentation!) It was so “thick” seeming I actually left the place and wondered around for the day until I knew I would not be alone in the apartment. I kept telling people that it was as though there was this blackness all around. I even wrote in an e-mail to my parents that my husband was only seeing blackness! Was he seeing what it was that was behind the “light” that was what he existed as? Was he encountering his own fear?
I might not have noticed this today, but , as I said I am very numb, very calm today. My back is not hurting as all. It feels like there is a wind flowing through it.
Meanwhile, I ask my self, how could I have this intense black hole in me and not even know it.
Or is this all of the mind?
I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this. People I know don’t want to hear it, and I am not sure I want to run for support.
But existing in my own fucking bubble is insane.
Anxiety just makes my back hurt.
Otherwise, the quartet rehearsal was productive in that I could realize more completely how necessary it is for the members of the group to be strong with themselves as the music. Any fear while playing weakens the expression of the music. But, I have to say that sometimes, and I felt this strongly during a performance, that if everyone in the group is not present or afraid and hiding another has to carry the load. After the first performance I felt this, and did not want to admit that this was what I experienced. I was so upset because I had to focus on supporting another player, as though I had to extend my self to support them, well, no this in not exactly it… I was angry that the voice of the one hiding was limiting my ability to hear the harmonies and that this made playing more difficult. I could not hear, I could not find the balance easily. I was angry that they were hiding. Yet, I knew this was not going to be helpful, this was not a reaction of direction, this was a reaction of ego.