Yesterday evening, I noticed I was feeling down/blue/depressed/despairing/worrying/futility. It was “heavy” and I thought of the world as a hopeless place. But it in interesting, because none of this seems as consuming, but consume it does. It is here, as what I am.
After writing about believing my self to be unlucky, I noticed a fear that was me that was stronger than I had experienced. A fear that was ominous, that was like a “mainstream” undercurrent. Really not pretty.
The I watched some Desteni videos. There was one with Marduk talking about how ( I have read the transcription of this a couple of times and knew I didn’t understand it) the pretty/the good was put in front of the dark. ( Bear with me, I still am not really clear on this, the words I have read in the article and heard in the video are not “connecting with me” but this is an attempt to write my vague understanding to move this along in awareness. ( did I just answer my confusion about no longer enjoying reading?) Anyway, the words in the article and the video are confusing, I don’t understand them, conceptually I do not have the awareness to see them. So, I am looking at my movement to try to become aware of this.
Yesterday, depression/gloom. The day before, a sense of “deep” fear. Last night, looking at the defensiveness going on in my head in the form of worry about one thing or another, criticism etc., realizing that this is all defensiveness, which is blaming others/situations etc. , which is looking at my self as being good, which is defending my self and HIDING behind the good as I push the cause onto something else, all in not facing my self as being fear, this being from where I need to stand up. Smoke screens in front of smoke screens.
Through all of this I have moved, my back does not hurt. I have stood up in fear before.
There was a quote I encountered at one time that said,
No matter how much one quivers and shakes, no matter how much the voice wavers, stand and speak, it is the only thing to do.
I must go and stand as my fear and stop the blame that is reactive defensiveness.