Where is me that brought me to this point? Where is me that asked the question years ago that existing as being problem was not somthing to be, was not something that could possibly be?
I have immersed myself so much in this process that I can no longer see. Quite literally, I can no longer see as I did, in seeing physically with my eyes. I have taken this process, the process, and “worn ” it as knowledge and information. It has consumed me as something I am trying to amalgamate, like I am running to something, like I am doing what one does as they enter a religion, or even a corp./gov. job , for that matter.
Does it have to be a process of “lose one self to find oneself”?
How did I get here?
What I believed, what had been said to me again and again could not possibly be a way to be.
The images in my head were pointless, I could do nothing with them, I could not re-generate and live the “high” experiences and they were random, seemingly like guideposts of the brain.
Something was wrong, something made no sense.
I never stopped asking the question why. ( have made so many people angry with this question; parents, teachers, professors! -was taken aside in the education masters course because I kept saying, asking about spatial development: wanted to know where it was; and the response I got was being treated like I ‘wasn’t getting it”, so I toed the line and stopped as I watched what was being presented to me and said what they wanted to hear, I would spew the language and patterns they were teaching. It was interesting because I would watch the professors change and accept, even started writing the papers in such a careful way that the comments would be complete praise, and I knew I was doing this but I didn’t understand the implications, didn’t realize why all of this was significant. Just knew I could not talk about spatial development.)
So, these are what brought me to this point, to Desteni.
Now, the “knowledge and information” of process is creating. or I am allowing it , to create confusion as I juggle, or prioritize, or look more closely at how I exist. And in this try to balance responding to the group that is involved in this process so that I am accepted. The whole fear of rejection thing.
If I think about how I run a/my coop I realize that I cannot get upset about the things people in the group do. I have to let actions/manipulations etc. that members bring go, even if I get too angry that they are seemingly so unaware of or hide behind because of things they do in their lives that have become habit, that they don’t realize are effecting the group etc. , or there would be no group. I have to state my point and let it go, even if the reaction to my statement is defensiveness through an attack on my self. With this group, I try to stay in an attitude of, what makes this work what enables to group to function, to continue so that, as long as we drink milk, it is from cows that wander around in fields eating grass. The principle here is what we all need to realize instead of the emotional stance of the members.
So, how do I hold onto the principle and not want to spew the knowledge and information that is why I am here writing all this?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting anxiousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to move as knowledge and information, for being anxious about “getting the material” as though it is something one “gets”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am not getting the process of self realization, because I am believing it is something I “get”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not let go of emotion because I feel I want to know it, as Veno wanted to know how the “mind” worked. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget my self to knowledge and information. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget principle in an emotional effort to participate “correctly” within a group. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to belong. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting emotional confusion. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to lose my self in participation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget the answers to the questions that brought me to this point that are of principle, that are what life is as opposed to the emotion that confuses my self as I participate in fear. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that this process is futile because I continue to lose my self in emotion instead of remaining in breath as the principle of all as one as equal. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want validation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I need validation. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not remember that self discovery is the only way one becomes life as all as one as equal.
Lately, I have thought I should sell my house and buy a house somewhere, real estate prices are lower and free up some of my income to become more self sustained and release the worries of mortgage payments etc. Get out of the debt system as much as possible. And find someone to walk in process. I know one does this alone, but another person to walk with would stop me and them from so much confusion.
Let this wanting go,
I am here. I am breath, I am breathing, I am self, I am life. I stand as my self, not as confusion. I am here, my self, as all as one as equal. I am not the confusion of my mind and emotion. I am not the donkey running after an attached carrot. I am here. I am life. I am sound in breath, breathing, here, in this moment. I am not knowledge and information, I am here, I breath, I am breath, I am breathing. I am the action of breath and NOT the thought of breath. I am the sound of life and not the emotion of a system. I am the sound that is all as one as equal. I am here as the sound of all as one as equal that is life. Emotion does NOT confuse me. Fear of being “off the mark” does NOt confuse me. Fear is not my self. Fear , as confusion, is NOT my self here in breath, in breathing.