Unlucky

Last night I read a post about Maya ‘s structural resonance and I was taken into my own restrictions caused by beliefs developed in my child hood. My father would tell me I was unlucky. I remember crying, as a girl, in my room, about this. Last night I was that girl again, crying because I was developing a belief that I was unlucky.

In this belief , I would stand on the side, because I did not want to bring my unluckiness to other people. I can still feel  the fear of this happening.

I suppose that this is why the movie Fanny and Alexander is one of my favorite movies. Ismael is locked away in a room because he is affects things. He causes things to happen. yet he is used for this very reason. I always thought I should be locked away in a room where I would not cause problems.

Yet, I remember thinking years ago that such a thought was ridiculous. And I would stand up, hoping that, and saying to my self that I was not this that my father would tell me. Such a thing could not be so, could not exist. But still the fear of this was a constant companion. And I am still afraid of this, as ridiculous as it may be to believe.

The worst is, that sometimes I even think that my one son, who is reckless in being aware of his world in some way, as he searches to understand his world, I have reactions to in my mind that are similar to what my father would do to me; I have actually thought that my son is here to cause problems. I have been working on stopping this, even before forgiveness, because it is so horrible to think this, so horrible to actually give my son what has been given to me, what I have allowed.

Looking at all of this, I can see how I was lead to believe in my own unluckiness, and how limiting and debilitating such a “unreal” thing , such as a belief, can be.

This belief, of unluckiness, is not real, is not life, and yet despite this I am aware of the ominous presence of this because of the thoughts that are coming up as I speak, ” what if it is true and I harm someone?”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that perhaps I am unlucky and that this which I believe my self to be is effecting those around me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe what my father , as a system of fear, has told me that I am. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to believe that I am unlucky and can cause harm to people. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to believe the idea that is an energetic polarity of one being lucky or unlucky. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts, energetic geometrically constructed thoughts that I am unlucky. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to sublimate my self in fear of bringing unluck to those around me. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to SEE my self as unlucky. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to justify my believed unluckiness by supporting my self through thoughts that placate the idea of my self being unlucky in a belief that I am lucky in other ways. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to even consider being unlucky or lucky. I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting mys elf to move , in and as my mind, within the idea that a person can be unlucky/ and or cause problems, which I then project onto my son, as a belief, because I am frustrated with all the doors he broke in the house. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to blame my son for the broken doors. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to move as a polarity of thougts that are of luck and/or unluck. I forgive myself for not realizing that all of this is of the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the emotion of  “woe is me” because I believ mys elf to be unlucky. I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am incapable of being aware of my surroundings. I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to neurotically always try to be aware of how others are feeling and thinking in an effort to not cause problems. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I don’t matter because all I am is a cause of unluckiness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to give into a belief of unluckiness by believing that I don’t matter because all I cause is problems for those around me.

I remember when my parents arrived the day after my husband died. I was so ashamed that I had brought this into their lives that I did not/could not pick my self up to go and greet them as they arrived. I am still so ashamed of this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel so fucking ashamed of marring a man who killed himself. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I knew my husband was doing this and yet I did nothing because I believed that I had done everything i could think of and that it was time for him to take the next step. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be ashamed of my actions. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be ashamed of having caused embarrassment. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I was the cause of my husband’s choices. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to be ashamed. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to blame my self for what is believed to be life as “just the way it is”.

I am here. I am life, I am not unluck/luck, I am self I am all as one as equal. I am not the thought that I am unlucky/lucky. I am not the thought that I am the cause of unluckiness. I am not my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I am not the beliefs that I learned as a child. I am here, in breath, breathing, as all as one as equal.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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