Anxiety

As much as I did not want to walk in the festival this weekend, I knew it was a way to face oneself. Just as I knew, that dating this man would open how I am, what my fears are etc.

After this weekend with all the reactions I allowed, I woke up this morning to a throbbing back. I had to look again at my self and work at/ dis-cover what was the veil of energy I have allowed. ( To view this as dis=covery , helps me hold the reality that life is here and that I am able to be this as an adventure towards life in joy as I take what I have accepted , as though it is a crutch, and realize that I DO NOT NEED THIS ANY MORE)

I realize that I am anxious about the attention for my sister. I am anxious that my mother is not talking to me because she does not agree with what she considers “non-mainstream activity”. She tells me I am a new age liberal. All statements to the contrary are not heard. EVen though this is an ongoing conversation, it is not this conversation that causes anxiety ( well, some ); it does not matter if we speak about disagreements or not, when I see her a flood of anxiety surfaces. I become another face. Another veil appears   ( OK- the veil thing is imagery/support/a crutch to stabilize-let this go). I am anxious about my mother’s opinion of me and I also feel horrible that she is losing her ability to walk-even when I suggested she read articles about how the  very drugs she is taking are causing the neuroprothy (sp?) in her legs. I have had to stop being the emotional support for her and it disturbs me, makes me anxious. If I look at what the MCS does, as I understand it, where one fears losing oneself if one loses the mind, I deduct that in no longer supporting my mother emotionally, in no longer playing the role of compassion for her, in no longer agreeing with her beliefs I am going to lose something. I am going to lose what it is that I am ( as my mind), I am going to DIE!

The relation/tie is there sitting in my chest, heavy like a feeling of LOVE. How warm and fuzzy is that?

So, this writing is making my back feel warm and lessening pressure.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear letting go of my mother’s “blessing”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to silently support my mother through the reaction of quilt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to help my mother. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to my mother. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I am responsible for my mother’s emotional “well- being”. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to sometimes word responses to my mother in a way that is inclusive of her beliefs and my own. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear letting go of my attachment to my mother. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the memory of crying a flood of tears every time I had to board the plane for Europe , after a visit to the states, when the boys were little. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to value my mother’s opinion. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting emotional support from my mother. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I need emotional support from my mother. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to believe I cannot exist without the emotional support of my mother. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the memory of running to my mother for support when I believed an injustice had occurred. I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to fear standing as my self without the support of a system, without any support. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be addicted to the “feel good” emotion of support/love from my mother. ( I am 48!)  48 years of , well 7 years of development, emotional baggage- which are no different than the drugs my mother is using! SICK

OK, I am feeling “lighter”; As in the video on anxiety,

I just deleted a whole section in trying to correct this post!

 

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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