Today I walked around at a festival with my twin sister. My twin sister is the kind of beauty one finds in a magazine. Since I was twelve men have aggressively walked up to her and, by their attention to her, have demanded her attention. Usually, at least the “impolite” ones ignored me. I usually just watched the interplay. My sister learned over the years of our life to enjoy this attention and to cater to it. She is acceptably presentable, always.
I mention this because today as I was walking in the crowds of people I realized that she draws , as always, a lot of attention. Men and woman want to be seen with her. So, I went to my male friend’s house, because he invited my sister, and his comment after she left was about how different I was from her. When she would talk with him she would stand close and ooze a soft feminine vibe and smile and thrust out her hips. She has perfected her ability to respond to the attentions of men. She has become this and works at maintaining this.
I remember another sister. I remember a sister that played the cello beautifully, that was strong with herself. She is someone I never argued with, that, despite our differences, we can do many things together. We can never be angry at one another. We can sit in silence, not something that is too natural between two people.
The reaction to the accepted idea of beauty that is what my sister is, has shaped her personality and my personality. She attends to people and smiles and gives them the attention they want. I, who was always on the side, standing there observing continue to be this. I do not smile and respond, am even surprised when someone responds to me-most of the time. I have been called ” the quiet intellectual one”. Why because I stood there watching?
My son’s girl friend is much the same way. She has a personality that addresses the people she meets with a big smile and conversation that makes them feel “included”, and they like her attention she also spends time emphasizing her feminine qualities.
I met some friends of my son’s girlfriend and they commented on “what a great personality” my son’s girlfriend had!
So, today I have encountered two comments about what a great personality is. Which I am obviously not. I never had to be responsive and, well actually I have verbally spun the banter one spews in conversation. So, that is not true. I don’t place my self socially in such a way that I draw people to me, I don’t ask for attention so that I can be considered “a great personality” in the way my sister and son’s friend do.
All of this writing to come to the point. I was feeling “less than” today because I was believing that I do not have a great personality. That maybe I should become more socially bubbly, more socially colorful. Remember reactions. I am a reaction to this, I tell my self that this is not what I am, I am “deeper” than this. But this is a personality too! This is NOT standing as life. I was being self pity. I was believing that I must project an image. I was not forgiving, I was forgetting. For getting more attention, the kind of attention my sister and son’s friend had. For getting a comment of “having” a great personality!
I for self pity got a thought that was not considering life as all as one as equal.
I for desire got a thought.
I for boredom got a thought.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I must be presentable in society.
I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to fear being judged as dull
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am supposed to be a personality
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to go and walk in a festival when I really don’t want to, just because it is there and I feel that I am supposed to walk with my sister because this is what happens every year.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hang onto those yearly rituals even when I do not really feel like doing them
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to seek entertainment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel worthless because I do not have “great” personality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe in personlity.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the idea of personality
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the desire for praise.
I am trying to talk and I don’t know what I want to say. none of this is what I want to say, and I don’t know what I want to say.