Quartet rehearsal and talking about Desteni

Today, I had a quartet rehearsal. Before the rehearsal I practiced. I notice that I have a running commentary in my head of criticism about my ability, where I think only about what I cannot do- in relation to violin playing.

Just one long rant about how incapable I am.  What keeps me going is that I can play almost anything if I am calm. It is when I criticize that I become judgmental and scared. I have been doing this since I was a teenager, so the rant in my head has been going on a long time.

I know this is going to take time. But I want to play because it is a fun thing to do. As simple as that.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my mind to have a running commentary about my ability to play the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts that are of constant criticism about the technique of violin playing, where my hand should be, how my fingers should grab the bow, if a note is too high or too low, how I am sitting, are my legs tense. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts that decide what it is that I am in relation to my ability to play the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot play the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I can play the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist in and as my mind in judgment of how I play the violin, instead of just playing the violin without self criticism. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about what my fellow musicians are thinking about how I am playing the violin. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to play in fear of judgment.

I remember in High school being invited for three summers to attend the Aspen summer music school. Every year I did not go, the last year my Julliard teacher said that if I did not go she would no longer teach me. I allowed my self to be buried under the pressure of walking the correct path towards becoming a violin player. When my teacher said this I was scared. It was at this time I could no longer play. At a recital I froze, I could not remember my piece.What had been easy was now hard. I feel like I have been trying to find my way out of this for a long time.

I have stopped playing and then started again so many times. I just keep going.

I have talked to people I meet about Desteni. About, three have gone and looked at the site. They come and tell me that they agree with what Desteni is saying about equal money but they are too afraid of the “portal”. This is too fantastic for them. They also say that Bernard’s approach is too aggressive.

Today, I told this woman that being “nice” does not always work. Her response was to say that she could not, not be “nice”. I suggested that she read the articles before making any further judgments.  She nodded her head from side to side, she could not. Exposure is half the battle.

There are two issues here that come up; I believe my self to be powerless and unclear. I turn what happened with this woman into failure.

I am afraid that I am controlling people, like this woman, I want to be nice and gentle. I admit that I was disgusted by her judgment of the presentation, that she could not continue even though she agreed with the principles.  My feeling of disgust was a judgment just as this woman was stuck in her image of “presentation being important”.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel powerless in my ability to speak, to choose words. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have expectations. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I have failed. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to reprimand my self in a belief that I should be able to control this woman. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I do not know how to use words. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be self conscious as I write this post. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to think about this conversation I had yesterday, with this man I am dating, about how the mind works as I write this post.

Yesterday, I was talking to B. and he brought up how visual he is. I, basically, said that being visual was stagnant. That images were limiting and that perhaps it was this visual approach was limiting because nothing moved, and in this his other senses were not used. This being the non-movement as “sense”less action. Being visual has no motion.

I said this out loud as I thought it. He stopped and turned his head. ( This topic has been ongoing between us as I talk about my process)  I am thinking I went too far, but this comment just came out suddenly. Being met with silence, perhaps creating silence as a response from another person is not to be taken as having “gone too far”.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear speaking. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become afraid when I speak about the MCS. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be afraid of telling people I saw them talking to me in a movie in my head seven years before I met them. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be afraid to speak, to be afraid TO LISTEN to the silence of my self, to be afraid to hear my self as life as all as one as equal, in fear I will be considered crazy. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the power of my self, to fear hearing the power of my self as life as all as one as equal because this would mean that I have to speak.

UGH.

I am life. I am here.

I am breath. I am breathing.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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